HUMOUR : Bird hunter celebrates Women’s Day in style

Bird’s day is always an intriguing day for me and I always look up to it with burning excitement. Whoever came up with this idea, his name should be included in the GBR. I am talking about the one and only Guinness Book of Records of course! He should be mentioned as the only man to make a successful attempt at understanding women. Yes indeed, this man must have carried out extensive research and was able to discover a very important aspect concerning the way women think. This is not a mean feat considering that many men have tried and decided to resign to fate when they realised that the only discovery they were making was that they were slowly going crazy in the process of their research. They had to hurriedly make a retreat to restore their sanity. Well, it is true that birds are a complex puzzle. Nature made this puzzle in such a way that the harder you try to solve this puzzle, the more you get near the threshold of losing your mind. So, what you do is try to grab as much as you can – try to solve even a small portion of the puzzle, that is if you are patient enough- and you will be able to live a happy man. Any extreme of this ends in calamity. The man who thought of bird’s day is therefore among the few wise men. He was able to decipher a small piece of the puzzle –the most important for any hunter I should say, and that is how he thought of coming up with an annual bird’s day. I will tell you why I say that this man deciphered the most important part of the bird’s psychology. For a bird to have a good impression of a hunter, he must be seen to be a caring hunter. The rest trickle in mos mos. Birds, whether white, black, blue (yes there are blue people: what colour is Alek Wek?) or yellow (I swear I saw yellow birds in South Africa!), they like to be ‘handled with care.’ Woe unto you if you are the ‘taking for granted’ type – unless of course you are a cowboy (I am not talking about the konyines here, please, my mind is in Texas) because birds will be dropping you ‘like you are hot.’ By coming up with bird’s day, I think that this man’s intention was to negotiate for a one day international amnesty (this has nothing to do with Amnesty International) every year. Believe me, this day means a lot to birds all over the world because they feel important and wanted (or should I say hunted) to see men, even some workaholics staying at home in their honour. More importantly, even those hunters who deceive their domesticated birds that they work even on weekends stay home on this day. That is why the mood is generally favourable on this day (and when birds are in a good mood, who would find any excuse of being in a bad one?). And because I am good at reading and working according to prevailing moods, I picked up my cupid bow and arrow and went hunting. There is this bird that I had been observing for quite some time but had failed to understand fully to enable me to shoot my arrow. She is the middle class type, independent and happy. I had been able to gather that she lives alone in a well furnished flat and that she did not have many friends. Most encouraging, I was told that she was single, but unfortunately not searching because she was still nursing a broken heart from a relationship gone ka-boom! Somehow, I had managed to obtain her contacts from one of her few friends who encouraged me to give her a try, because she wanted to see her happy. I gave her a call and introduced myself as the most caring bird hunter on earth and told her that Nyagasani (the Holy Spirit) had come to me and given me her number and told me to call her and lighten up her heart and relieve it from its burdens of unhappiness. I told her to let me visit her so that I could tell her more about what the holy spirit had told me about her and to my surprise, she asked me to make it snappy and find her at her place. I was there in a flash and having rehearsed my game plan in advance, I asked her whether she had any food in stock because I wanted to make her a meal she had never enjoyed before. I told her we would talk as we enjoyed the meal together. Apparently, she was amused by my charisma and boldness and I could see it in her eyes. I prepared an exotic meal and laid it on the table and as we ate, I told her I was not ready to tell her the story of my encounter with the Holy Ghost until sometime later in the evening. Apparently she was happy to be with me and she was not in a hurry to hear the story. After the meal I offered to give her a good massage (now don’t start letting your mind loose) and without giving any chance for any suspicions of bad intentions to arise, I did a professional job. After this, I asked her to put some light clothes on because we were taking a walk so that she could get some fresh air. She warmed up to the idea. Believe me, by the time we came back to the flat, seeing the two of us you would think that we had been dating for weeks. If Parliament asked for my opinion, I would humbly suggest that Women’s Day should take place twice a year – you see, there are many women in the world. Ends