Never give 100% of your love

Beautiful, successful and confident, this career woman was ditched over the phone by her fiancé of 7 years. He said he was leaving for a job overseas and wasn’t coming back. Sarah, narrates her Break-Up and journey to recovery to Gloria I. Anyango of The New Times. I still remember that day in detail. It’s something that has clearly plastered itself in my memory. “Of all things he dumped me for a job in a country whose language he couldn’t even speak; the fool was going to Norway! Of all places, Norway! Later that day, after work, I gathered the guts to meet Papi (the dumping boyfriend) over coffee. He wanted to explain things to me. This was great because I needed some clear answers to his insanity. I was at the café early; I stayed composed and unflinching in my composure. This is a trait I got from my mom—she’s one tough old woman whom I have never seen crying. Anyway, I tried so hard not to show any emotion towards ‘this poor example of a man’. Being who I am—a generally strong, focused and positive woman, there was no way I was going to show how badly hurt I felt. For a moment I thought, he was playing foul and simply tricking me, because he had finally decided on the day of our wedding. That wasn’t the case. As much as it hurt, I sat through a 20minute coffee date listening to Papi jabber on. He chattered as always about why he had to leave and how our marriage plans would not work out since, he would be far away busy achieving his dreams of riches. Though his excuse was illogical, I pretended to understand his point. At 26 years, I wasn’t much of a talker but I thought really hard. To be a bit morbid for a moment, I imagined him getting hit by a speeding car on his way home after we had separated our ways. After a phone call, I rush to the hospital and find him in intensive care breathing through an oxygen machine, only for a doctor to say, I can’t see him because he is in such bad shape, that they don’t expect him to live much longer. In fact, a surgery is performed that would save his life, but leave him 99 per cent paralyzed, in horrible pain and unable to communicate for the rest of his miserable life. Fortunately, this pictured imagination never actualized because Papi took a taxi back home and tried calling me later to check if I had reached safely home. I did not pick up his phone call, so he SMS’d saying, “Thanks for understanding and loving me.” Such a loser! I threw my phone on the wall and it shattered beyond repair. That is when I cried my eyes out. Papi’s rejection was deadening. The person I once thought I knew was completely gone. I didn’t think I could live my life without him. I felt like I couldn’t stop clinging on to Papi, but clinging on to Papi didn’t help, because it only stopped my life. ‘Keep your boo close but keep your friends closer,’ is what saved me from self-destruction. I had great friends whom I confided in. They stood with me through the storm. They helped me come to terms with the fact that Papi wasted seven years of my life. I met him in Nairobi while I was pursuing my Engineering degree at Kenyatta University in Kenya. I was 19 years old—I studied quite young. Luckily, a year later, I got a job in Rwanda. Moving to Rwanda helped me to forget Papi— in fact, sometime back in 2008, there was a rumour that Papi was deported back to Kenya. It doesn’t matter now, it’s now 5 years on and the truth is that, I still feel the pain periodically. It comes back in waves and I have grown to accept it. So I guess Papi is one of those people who are supposed to come into my life, teach me a lesson, and walk away...As you grow, people will come and some go. It is all for our own good. We are insecure as humans and the tendency to cling to the old and avoid change is a common human trait. Unfortunately, it is also a self-defeating and self-destructive habit, and completely unnecessary. Never give 100 per cent of your love. You can’t love others more than you love yourself. Instead, we should always keep some love for ourselves. I believe knowing this makes you recover easier from a break up. However, I believe no situation can remain permanent if you have a change of attitude. These things of saying you can’t live without him…watchaaa! It’s not real. Though I am a career woman, I don’t believe in these independent women who say they don’t need men in their lives. Everyone needs a special someone. ‘Two is better than one’ and relationships are all about compromise on both ends otherwise, it wouldn’t work. Thankfully, miracles do happen. I overcame one of my most difficult moments, fell in love again with a wonderful man and now I am a mother of two. Such a blessing, has only come because I decided that I am not going to spend my life chasing people. You wanna leave? Fine then, go ahead. I’m done with chasing and caring for people who never had interest in me. Nothing lasts and people change. I’ve learnt that love is hard and life is strange in both bad and good ways; and, I and thankful for this important lesson in my life. glo.irie@gmail.com