WOMAN 2 WOMAN : Communication –the strong family tool

Since childhood I have always avoided upsetting other people. Now this does not always give me marks for good behaviour. Instead, it gets me to avoid communicating any topics that I perceive will upset someone else. While it works for me (keeps me out of trouble most the time), it is not the best for interpersonal human relationships. With time I have learnt that effective communication is everything. A communication avoidance or stop will prevent that topic from being shared and gone through. When enough of these areas build up or a couple important ones develop, it behaves as if there were clamps on the lungs of the relationship.The relationship has trouble breathing. Without this exchange of life energy, the relationship cannot grow, it may struggle, and if it is severe enough, then the relationship suffers and dies. The relationship can be considered to be a living entity just as each one of us is living. There has to be a continuous flow of energy through each and every living entity. The flow is between each partner of the relationship and between the relating partners and the environment. Just as in an individual body, when the energy is blocked or stopped, a disease or illness starts to develop. The key for a healthy and growing relationship is to keep the communications flowing. Communication can be stopped in a variety of ways. Avoidance was already mentioned. If both partners avoid the same subject, then it will never arise in conversation. If only one is avoiding the subject, they might just stop the conversation when that topic comes up. This is usually obvious. They might also divert the conversation and depending on their skill, this can be obvious or it can be done without notice. In response to last week’s topic “balancing career and family”, there was more feedback recommending that communication should be added on the list. This was in response to my friend’s dilemma on how to balance her career and family life. “Communication between her & her husband; let her openly tell her husband about what is happening in her life. If need be let her ask for his support,” a reader suggested. Indeed as a family, you plans will not succeed if you work in isolation. This explains why it is very important to talk to your partner. By sharing your experience at work with you partner, it will be easier for them to understand your situation every time you face a challenge. Your husband will “get mad at you” for coming home late , only if you have given them advance notice . You want trouble ? Just show up at your gate three hours later than your “usual arrival” time. Sometimes when people get married or have spent a relatively long time together, they tend to take some things for granted – communication. Yet when you look back to “those days” when the relationship was in infant stages, when you were “truly madly in love”, communication was everything. For some strange reason, it is common to have people communicate less after spending “some good long time” together! Yet less communication is a key signal that the relationship is losing a sense of direction. The first step in achieving better communication that will really work, is to take a look at you first. People always tend to turn to their partner first when things are not running so smoothly in their relationship. They automatically start pointing out what their partner is doing or not doing, as well as how their partner is not listening to them. This may all be true depending on your particular situation, but it is important that you take the responsibility in reviewing your own actions and communication first, before you can point anything out in your partner. Remember, it is very easy to see other people’s mistakes, but when it comes to looking at you, it is much harder to accept criticism, even from yourself- because no one wants to be wrong. This is where you need to get real about things. Communication is not about who is right or wrong, but instead about helping each other see things from each other’s perspective, so that you can be on the page and avoid any misunderstanding that will cause unneeded arguments. bernanamata@gmail.com