Illogical Sayings

People often utter a lot of ludicrous nonsense. Then again, if it weren’t ludicrous, it wouldn’t be nonsense. Strike whichever part of that redundancy you choose. If you decide to delete “nonsense” you’ll have to correct the grammar by replacing the adjective “ludicrous” with a noun such as “ludicrousness” or, say, “nonsense.” Come to think of it, you’ll save yourself considerable effort if you just delete “ludicrous” and leave “nonsense.” But I digress. There are certain old sayings that we can do without. What am I talking about? Ok, many of the popular sayings that I grew up with were misleading. Some were merely confusing, but others, if followed literally, would have led to catastrophe. I don’t know if all of them are still in use today. Consequently, old people reading this might say, “What the hell is this young lad talking about.” That’s OK. I hear that a lot even from people my age and older, so I’m used to it. As a public service for all of the people who have heard these sayings, I offer the following clarifications: Fight fire with fire. This is a very bad idea. If there’s a fire in your house, or anywhere else for that matter, do not light up tires or jerry cans and use them to fight the fire. If you have one, a fire extinguisher will do a much better job. If a fire extinguisher is not available, just about anything else nearby will do a much better job of fighting the fire than countering the fire with fire. Blood is thicker than water. People say this a lot, and yes, that’s true, but blood is thinner than, in no particular order, road tar, ketchup, honey, mercury, molten gold, vomit, flowing lava, pus (I have a feeling this was uncalled for), heavy crude oil and light crude oil, to name but a few heavier-than-blood liquids. So what the hell is their point? A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. This is true under some rare conditions, namely the bird must be dead and not disease-bearing (bird flu) or you must be someone who enjoys bird poop in your hand. This saying takes on an entirely different meaning if you apply the politically incorrect, sexually loaded slang definitions to the words “bird” and “bush,” but I’ll leave that discussion for someone else. Laugh and the world laughs with you… This is pretty great if you ask me. Laugh and the world will laugh with you. Then what will we have? A world filled with people laughing like idiots, that would be utter insanity. And where will it all end? It sounds like an infinite loop to me. You laugh; the rest of the world laughs; you have to laugh because they laughed – hey, those are the rules, I didn’t make them up; they laugh again because you laughed again; you … well, you get the picture. How the hell shall we get anything done with everyone laughing like morons all the time? OK, you’ve had your little laugh. Now, allow me to tackle the next adage. One good turn deserves another. Nonsense! One good turn deserves another? If you keep that up, before you know it you’ll be going around in circles. And then where will you be? Right back where you started; yes, that’s where you will be. An apple a day keeps the doctor away. There is no empirical evidence to back up this assertion. It is likely true only if you throw the apples at the doctor. That might discourage him or her from coming around, but there are much more effective weapons if that’s your purpose. I don’t know the slightest thing about medicine, but I suspect giving an extremely ill person an apple rather than medicine won’t produce the best of results. The list is endless, there are millions and millions (ok, maybe not that big a number) of them that you just don’t comprehend, but somehow you find yourself having this feeling that you perfectly grasp what they mean, well, I get the feeling at times too but I never allow it to settle. I don’t know when the above sayings originated or how they came into existence. And I don’t think it’s worth my while to attempt to find that information. If anyone already knows the answers to the when and how questions or has a life that is so empty, emptier than even mine, if that’s possible, as to lead them to be willing to spend the time required to research that topic, then, by all means, try sending me the answers. easywilber@yahoo.com