HUMOUR : Bird hunter recommends a shoot-on-sight order for bull hunters

When I was growing up a few decades ago in the land of Mungiki and kitu kidogo, I used to enjoy one particular radio programme which was hosted by a prominent eloquent presenter who went by the names of Leonard Mambo Mbotella. Everything about this programme amused me, including the name of the presenter. The programme gathered bizarre happenings around the world and at the end of every bizarre tale, Mr. Mbotella would engage his listeners by asking; Jamani, dunia imepasuka wapi? And indeed after being told of an incident where a man had raped a goat, the listeners would find themselves joining the presenter to wonder whether the world was still the same or whether something strange had happened that had changed people into beasts. At that time, bull hunting was part of the bizarre happenings, but these were regarded as desperate behavioural disorders that were largely pronounced in situations where there was total scarcity of birds. Scattered incidents occurred in places like prisons and boys’ boarding schools and at the coast, where people with mental disorders would engage in bull hunting, and were known as mashoga. I have found myself wondering how this vice has been able to grow at such a fast rate to the extent that a couple of decades later, bull hunting is actually threatening to compete neck to neck with bird hunting despite the fact that the former is opposed by almost everyone in the world. During one of my bird hunting escapades in the land of Madiba where I had been invited by a fellow bird hunter to attend his wedding (this was his third bird and still counting) I happened to bump into fellas at the wedding reception. I introduced myself as the renowned bird hunter and also introduced my companion as my bird. To my shock, the fella also introduced himself and the other bull next to him as his ‘bird.’ At first I thought he was joking but as time progressed during the wedding, the two fellas started to…I should not waste the word kissing on them because to me, it looked like they were eating each other. When I looked closer, I realized that the ‘bird’ fella had applied lipstick and was behaving funny, trying to imitate the way birds behave when they are with their hunters. This indeed was my first time to come face to face with a real bull-to bull relationship which ended my longstanding denial that this existed. I decided to leave the wedding (dragging my bird along, of course) in protest. I could not sleep that night because I kept having nightmares the whole night. I kept dreaming about being abducted by bull hunters who took me to their monster king somewhere in a place that looked strange and were trying to force me to change from bird hunting to bull hunting. I was tied up and tortured in all ways but just like in the US-Vietnam movies, I stuck to my guns and refused to quit bird hunting and even told them how I loathed their lot. I even spat in their King’s face. That is when I saw the king open his zip and dropped his pants. My heart started pounding heavily and I woke up covered in sweat and breathing heavily. These cowardly bull hunters have grown quite bold and are becoming too powerful by the day to the extent that they have even started to twist the arms of Governments so that they can submit to their whims and be allowed to hunt freely just like it is with bird hunting. I totally support Honourable Bahati who thinks that the bull hunters deserve nothing less than a death sentence if convicted. I recommend to parliament that they should come up with a harsh law to punish these fellas because they are a disgrace to hunting and national order. Police and military police should be given orders to shoot on sight any bull seen kissing the other passionately. My fears are not only hinged on my disgust for this cursed kind of hunting but also, looking at the future, problems could arise. Serious problems could arise because as more and more people quit bird hunting to join the bad side of hunting, the balance would be tipped and those of us who have decided to stay on would be overwhelmed by bird demand. When the situation gets to this, nothing can get worse. Ends