DIASPOMAN : When I got nabbed in the ladies’ on New Year’s Eve

I spent my New Year’s Eve in hiding. I was hiding because of this intolerable guilt that had swamped me after what I had done to my Nokia phone that Aggrey had given to me as a Christmas gift. Instead of using my phone to make real calls to friends and relatives, I exchanged my expensive N70 for some 200k which I received from a certain friend of mine who happens to be a broker at the Post office corner in town. I had convinced myself that walking around with an N70 Nokia phone amounted to a sin. Instead, I believed that the N70 would rather be exchanged for some cash which would go a long way in solving our ever thirsty throats’ desires. So when I went back home and started to pour out crocodile tears, I knew that my plan had become successful. I started weeping in front of Aggrey as I narrated how his expensive gift had been stolen from me by some Kigali thugs. To my surprise, Aggrey took in this news with a lot of calmness. “Don’t mind Diaspoman. I have connections in MTN. Before long we shall trace the phone and capture those thugs.” This was not what I was prepared to hear! If the phone was traced back to the buyer, then the truth about how I had sold it to the broker would emerge. I frantically contacted the broker in order to retrieve the phone but it was too late. He had already sold it to a lady friend of his. In the meantime, Aggrey had already begun the search for the phone. The last thing I heard about the case is that the phone was being traced back to a certain innocent lady residing somewhere in Gikondo. It was a matter of time before the truth was brought to the surface. I guess I had to either go straight to Aggrey to apologize in advance or simply vanish. I opted for the latter. That is how I simply disappeared in thin air. Whereas Kigali revellers were busy enjoying the New year parties, yours truly was sneaking in and out of drinking holes at Migina and Kabeza. Aggrey had arranged that we hold the New Year’s celebrations at the Serena but I could not face him after what I had done. So with all these frustrations, I found myself guzzling all tribes of booze with the locals at Migina. We discussed and argued about current affairs. In the process, we found ourselves drinking the local spirits which I was personally not used to. In the end, the local spirits created a riot in my stomach. My head was also pounding. My eyes could no longer focus properly. As people continued to rejoice at the top of their voices, I hobbled around in search of the Gents. But since my eyes had refused to work properly, I ended up in the ladies room instead of the Gents. As I started to ease myself, I heard voices of females chatting away. This got me concerned. What were ladies doing in the Gents? I then called out blasting the ladies, “Hey you! What are you doing in our toilets?” Almost immediately, all the ladies in the toilets screamed in a lot of fear! They ran outside shouting out loud! “There is a mad man in our toilets! Please, help us!” Naturally this attracted a small crowd of people which included some night watchmen armed with sticks and batons. They barged into the toilets and hurled me outside with some nice and sweet kicks in my backside. That surely got me sober. I started pleading for mercy, “Please, forgive me! I thought I was in the Gents room. You see, I left my eye glasses at home.” However, the night watchmen were keen on dragging me to the nearest police post. Having realized that things had become elephant for me, I decided to come out clean and call Aggrey on his phone. I asked one of the guys with whom we had been sharing the booze, to lend me his phone so that I could beep Aggrey. I started beeping but Aggrey was not responding. He usually does not return calls to beepers that he does not now. After about 5 beeps, Aggrey finally called the number. I started to pour out my heart! In the process I confessed that I was in hiding from him due to my recent misdemeanours. I then told him that I was on the verge of being arrested after being nabbed red handed in the ladies’ toilets. “They are accusing me of attempted rape! Please, help me” Aggrey then burst out in laughter! He could not control himself. He then wished me a happy new year, “Man, let me wish you a happy new year. Hopefully you won’t start the New Year inside a prison cell he he he…” After teasing me for some few minutes, he offered to drive over to Migina and save my neck. I was so grateful. Within half an hour, Aggrey was at the drinking hole. He paid some cash to the bar owner and apologized on my behalf. We then drove off to safety. I vowed never to drink the Migina local spirits again… diaspoman@yahoo.com