HUMOUR : A lecture on the different species of birds

This lecture of today is inspired by a very good friend of mine, Tonto KK. This friend of mine is a mediocre bird hunter but trust me, he has very rich theories concerning the study of birds. What is interesting about this friend of mine is the fact that he has similarities with a leopard. A leopard is known to carry double its weight up a tree. Tonto Kayikayi’s similarity lies in the fact that he also values mass. That is why he thinks that beauty pageants are a sham. In his philosophy, Africans should stick to their values and hold beauty pageants that are a true reflection of their taste. Tonto strongly detests the hypocrisy that is embedded in all these events that are aimed at finding the fairest daughter of the land. He says that for a nation famed for the curvaceous nature of its birds to go ahead and search for beauty in accordance to borrowed values is nothing short of betrayal of the people. These featherless birds that we see on the podium vying for the crown are aliens, he argues. Tonto belongs to club kubwa kubwa! What this means is that he values size and shape. Sometimes he refers to his preferred birds as ‘heavy commercial.’ He has even taken it further to say that he has a driving permit of the highest category that allows him to drive heavy machines. By heavy machines he means big birds. Since I met him I have never seen him in the company of any bird weighing below 90kgs, never mind that he actually weighs half that weight. I admire Tonto KK because he is a true African macho man. He is no hypocrite and is true to his African values. A true African man is one who values size when it comes to birds and volume when it comes to drink and food. In other words, as a true African man, you should ensure that you have a big, curvaceous bird at home who will ensure that when you come home, you will find a big plate of ugali and a lot of stew waiting for you. I am talking about a real big mama. In Kenya the Kikuyus call them mama mboga because most of the women who sell fresh vegetables are coincidentally huge women. Anyway, apart from the big mamas who are supposed to be the true identity of Africa, there is the intermediate type of birds who are particularly identified with the land of 1000k hills and some parts of the land of matoke. These ones, some bird hunting scholars say, are the ones that graduate into the heavy machines once they reach the evening of their lives. If you want to see these birds, I advise you to go to town one of these days and find a strategic point at Rubanguras. I guarantee that you will feed your eyes to satisfaction because this is the time this species of birds are in holidays and are busy shopping for the coming festive season. However, I should warn you that this should be for your eyes only. Should you start developing some funny plans then you need to visit the one and only Karisa Rugano for some advice. Then last and certainly the least are the tuk-tuk birds. These ones are the type they call mannequin but Tonto K prefers to call them triplex due to the fact that they possess little flesh, if any, on their bones. In other words, they have more bones than flesh. These birds think that God made the biggest mistake to create food because it makes people gain weight. That is why they have decided to sabotage him by eating as little food as possible so that they can avoid gaining weight. These are preferred by wannabes of this fair city and mzungus. Problem with the wannabes is the fact that they hunt these birds just for the ‘camera’ but deep down they know that they belong to the ‘upper classes’ of birds. So, they hunt the tuk-tuks during the day, and when night falls, they go back home to mama. What hypocrisy! Anyway, my style is the upper class but due to curiosity, I am planning on going tuk-tuk and find out what interests these guys in these fleshless birds. Let’s meet next Sunday. In the meantime, let me take this opportunity to wish you a happy hunting Christmas as we wait for the New Year. Ends