Aunt’s corner

Dear Aunt Silvia,I am a young heartbroken woman and a mother of two children. Three years ago my mother pushed me to get married to a man whom I had only known for two months, but because the man looked capable in terms of money, I was pushed to quickly settle down with him. Three years down the lane am very miserable, he promised to take me back to school immediately after the wedding but he didn’t. He made me resign from a very good job just so that I can take care of him and our two children. He controls every move I make, he is the one who goes to shop the clothes we wear and the food I cook at home- everything in the house is arranged according to his liking. He cannot tolerate children playing, to an extent that our children now fear him, my children and I are suffocating in our own house due to lack of freedom. I am thinking of divorce so that I can go back to the life I was used to, but more so for my children who are not happy. Jacqueline. Dear Jacqueline,From now on you should not allow yourself to be pushed to do something you aren’t ready for, had you not been pushed by your mother to get married before you knew your husband well, maybe you would have been in another place altogether, but that is now water under the bridge, let’s not dwell in the past. The most important thing for you to know now is that your husband is a control freak, control freaks have a compulsive urge to run the show; they dictate what you should do and when, and they make you subtly aware, if you do not concede, that they will be hurt or unhappy. Psychologists say controlling behaviour is a personality disorder. They also say that control freaks suffer from anxiety, fear and anger and fear of losing control. They are very critical of others; they are perfectionists and workaholics and are unable to trust others. They also fear exposing their flaws, thus controlling all aspects of their lives including relationships. These are people who are terrified of failure. They cannot trust anyone will do a better job than they will. The disorder stems from childhood and can cause misery in the work place and at home. Most of them are unhappy and insecure people who don’t understand how their words and actions can affect people. Professionals advise that you stay calm because being angry at a control freak only aggravates the problem. Also, in relationships, they can become abusive and dangerous when rejected or when one considers leaving them. When you notice that they are stressed, keep off, as they can’t cope with stress levels. Psychologists say that you cannot hope to change a control freak, as their fears and insecurities leave them forever unsatisfied and unhappy. In your interactions with them, they will bruise your self-esteem, making you aware that you are worthless and you cannot survive without them; don’t believe them. Camouflaged as good lovers, control freaks are excessively jealous and possessive. They don’t relax or allow others to take charge of a project and always speak ill of others. Do not rush into a divorce since young children are involved here, you need to sit down with both families to discuss this issue- an amicable solution has to be found, otherwise there is nothing much you can do to change your husband, also be warned that he might try to harm you and the children if he knows that you want to leave him. Ends