WOMAN 2 WOMAN : -Marriage complaints - how to handle them

During the first couple of years of marriage, it is normally “hassle” free as couples are still “truly madly deeply in love” but with time this changes. As the years go on the “handsome princes and princess(s)” normally change as challenges of life continue to mount pressure. This is true for almost every couple, specifically because both of you come from different backgrounds and family cultures. These differences are expressed through differing habits and expectations. These differences in expectations can generate friction between even the most loving of couples, as you both have to learn to adjust to them. The following tips are designed to help you and your spouse handle marriage complaints. Not all complaints are based on habit, but a good many of them can be. For example, you like to go to sleep with the lights on. But your husband / partner wants the lights off. This could be a huge bone of contention, except for the fact that you have learned to balance out your respective needs. It is important to recognize that when your spouse complains about something, whether you agree with their complaint or not, it is equally important to acknowledge the complaint respectfully. In essence, you can annoy someone without ever actively attempting to do so. So whether you agree with a complaint or not, be sure to give them the fairness of the hearing you would want to receive for your own complaints. Watch your Language - ‘I’ statements are important when communicating marriage complaints, because you are giving them your point of view and your experiences - this is far better than accusing them or charging them with fault. Avoid moral and ethical landmines - Learning to live with someone else’s habits and how they do things can take some adjustment, but just because you are a morning person and they are not, is not a case of who is right or wrong, but rather one that needs to seek compromise to balance your needs. Choose your battles with care - when you marry someone, you marry every part of them - not just the parts you like or approve of. Trying to force your partner to change can and will cause rifts not only in the marriage, but in the friendship between you as well. Remember the Journey that brought you to where you are – It is important to remember that when you and your spouse first met, you were not planning to be married then. Some of the things you may find annoying now, you likely would have found annoying them. What was annoying as a young adult is hardly worth thinking about when you are in your thirties and the small stuff that may seem huge right now, probably is not going to even strike on your radar later in life. So, do what the little books in the stores are always saying and do not sweat the small stuff. All couples argue. This is just a part of life, but there are some rules to follow to make your fighting “fair” and limit the amount of damage that arguing can do. There are few things more hurtful to a relationship than having to “take back” something that was said in the heat of the argument. You can never truly take back hurtful words, and if you meant it at the time, even worse, because you really believe what you said. It can mean that you never told your spouse something that should have been discussed a long time ago. It never was, and so when it is brought up in the middle of an argument that can be the last straw-and you did not mean for it to be. Talk about things as they happen. Holding it in and allowing small differences of opinion to build up over time, is just asking for a blow up that both of you will regret. Do not go to bed angry, and this is for a very good reason, it causes sleep disturbance and fuels the fire for a wicked morning. An average amount of time between having something happen and discussing it with your spouse should be no more than two days. Sooner than this is fine if you can do it without yelling, and more means you have built up resentment. bernanamata@gmail.com