HUMOUR : “Madness in the House”

“Alpha lifts the TPF3 Mantle” As I was busy shuttling to “the land of Gold” (Gauteng), one spectre was busy unfolding in Nairobi, the Capital of Kenya. Sure, most of you must have heard of the popular “Tusker Project Fame (TPF), to be preciseTusker3. This was one of the best “Reality TV shows” ever to grace the East African region. I suppose, the entry of Rwanda into the East African Community (EAC) was not in vain. Much as we are always overshadowed by the so called “big brother” Kenya (not the Big Brother in South Africa though), our own Alpha did me proud. The sad bit of it was that, at the time Alpha was busy “lifting” the TPF3 mantle, I was somewhere about ten thousand metres above the e arth’s surface in ametallic capsule you people love to call an Aircraft, courtesy of our own Rwanda Air. By the way, I hear that, the good airline has changedits name by purging the last phrase of Express (it used to be known as Rwanda Air Express), word had it that, so many people out there had conned the term Express such that it was losing meaning. Take for example, there is this “Tagisi” called “Birunga Egispress”, sijui the Kampala Express, Atlako Express etc. How could these mere earthly vehicles try to equate themselves to that one that flies nearest to theAlmighty Nyagasani? Basically, the “indege” is far superior to any vehicle that moves on its “belly” such that, any that tries to imitate it in name or deed, must face the consequences of doing so and be madeto hang! Back to the TP3, much as I missed the last show (live), thanks to “U-tube”, I was able to watch a few bits here and there, though the Internet is not so good to me. Having voted and voted and voted for my man (Alpha), I was happy for him when I heard that he had won. No sooner had I landed in Johannesburg than I received a “fire spitting” SMS telling of how my brother had won the TPF3; this was from none other than the one and only “Chain Keeper”. The trouble now is that, my “Chain Keeper” did not want anything to do with Alpha winning the TPF3, aho ubwo, most probably, she was supporting the Ug chick Karolina; I just told her not to mind since Karolina must have also been happy for Alpha completely and also! May be it is in the name of affirmative action, sijui! You know, she is of the type that will oppose me just forthe sake. I have learnt to manoeuvre round every situation to my own advantage and liking, not that I am a selfish villager, far from it! As the great Chinua Achebe wrote, “When the hunters learn to shoot without missing, also the birds learn to fly without perching”, every time I want her to do something, I request for the opposite and she will automatically jump into the right direction. Say, if I want to fire the maid, I praise her so much that the Chain Keeper will fire her there and then. But if I want to save that maid, all I have to do is show some disgust with her and that would make her job more secure. By the way, Alpha, if you read this column, better e-mail me for my bank account details, I need you to pay back the Airtime I spent and some of the effort to make you a winner. Winners are not born but are made! If you doubt my voting habits, MTN will bear me witness; as others were voting and failing, only those with the BlackBerry devices were able to keep the “rain” of vote SMS falling till the last hour. I hope you become such a BIG STAR to be reckoned with. The door has been opened, the sky is not the limit, you can get it if you really want, try and try, and opportunities will come your way. The harder youtry the sweeter the victory. Mfashumwana@fastmail.fm