Bird Hunter to Alpha; it’s either the birds back or my airtime back

The other day I was laughing hard at Mzee Mu7 when he was complaining publicly that my brother in-law, the one and only Sebassajja had wronged him so much. Mzee grumbled loudly that he was so sad because he had allegedly healed the leg of my in-law and after that he (the Sebassajja) used the same leg to kick him in the…… Did I hear you asking how the Sebassajja became my in-law? I swear I am not trying to force myself unto him in any way. I am his in-law by virtue of being Rwandese…no! No! Please don’t push your question further. That is all I am willing to divulge right now, thank you. Yes, I now regret having laughed at Mzee Mu-7 and this makes me remember him one time when he had visited in Kigali and as a man who is fond of African proverbs, he told us one that says that a whip that had been used to whip your co-wife should be thrown far away (because in the next minute the same could be used on you).Well, this proverb may seem to be targeting women only but the meaning itself is aimed at everyone of us. At least that is what I have learnt and I think the old man of vision was particularly addressing me when he told us this proverb. I am also now complaining about this man called Alpha a.k.a the Numero Uno alias the number one. My problems with him are similar to those Mzee Mu-seti has with my muko in that I also healed his kigele and since its healing he has done nothing else but use it to kick me hard where it hurts most. Since this man started causing ripples in East African bird circles when he could not stop advancing in the Tusker Project Fame, my life has been a miserable one all through. But then, I did not care much because I thought that this ‘did not matter’ (Christian’s words, not mine) because after all it was the Kenyan birds that were crazy about this guy hence it was not closer to home. I found myself becoming complacent until the voting phenomenon set in. Vote, vote and vote! The campaigns started in earnest and so I started voting ‘Tusker 3’ and sending to 123, every day until it became like a habit. But alas! As I sent out messages, I also would receive messages from birds in big numbers asking me for airtime. I did not have any idea that the airtime I was sending out to them was meant to vote for Alpha so that he can win. I did not have a problem with him winning as such but the problem is he has also won the hearts of all the birds in East Africa which of course includes the land of 1K hills. As I write this now, I have absolutely nothing to hunt because all the phones are switched off, since all the birds are still in bed recovering from the fatigue after a long night attending Alpha’s reception at petit stade. Those who are answering their phones are not interested in talking to me for even a single minute. Now every bird has hopes of winning the one and only Alpha the winner of East Africa’s prestigious reality music show. Well I don’t blame them for being head over heels for Alpha because now he has everything. The money, the looks and the stardom and the husky voice that captivated even Juliana. But since he has messed with my life, I want to take things personal. I want him to pay me back all my airtime that I used to vote for him to win so he can ruin my life. The payment should include the airtime I sent to the birds who voted for him. My calculations tell me that the whole amount, including compensation for all my mental distress and bird losses comes to 2.5 million Kenya shillings (around 18 million RWF). That makes me half as rich as he is and that also means that 80% of the birds will scamper back to me because only 20% of the birds are crazy about him for his voice, looks and stardom, and that includes Juliana. The rest want his money half of which now belongs to me. I know that with an almost moneyless Alpha, I can manage to wrestle more birds out of his grip quite easily so that only the genuinely crazy ones can stick with him. How do you like me for brains? Ends