Intimate relationships are vital in life and that is why people will go to great lengths to maintain them even when it is clear things are not working out. Some people like Umurerwa (not real name) endure all sorts of behaviour by their partners and still cling to the relationships. Umurerwa 29, and nurse at Kigali Health Centre (CHK) is dating Kayisire (not real name), a businessman. Kayisire is a true ladies’ man; intelligent, handsome, well built, moneyed and extremely charming. She hopes to marry him one day. Yet during the time they have been together, Kayisire has dated close to a dozen other women, often flirting with them openly. She has argued and even fought over this but he is unwilling to change. Nevertheless, Umurerwa, like most women, still believes Kayisire is the man for her. Kayisire never runs out of time to share a drink with his friends at the expense of his rela-tionship. “Sometimes he even makes passes at some of my friends. Last year I found out that he was going out with one of my closest friends. While on a night out with her, he even had the guts to call me at 1:00am to ask whether I was enjoying the sleep,” says Umurerwa. She adds that Kayisire always receives suggestive text messages from women but insists they are just friends and worker mates. Umurerwa laments that for the two years they have been together, she has been warding off women she suspects of dating her prized boyfriend, instead of discussing the problem with Kayisire. “If you truly love someone, you should be ready to fight to keep him or her and competi-tion is the order of the day.” A close friend advised me one day. So, one wonders what attraction is? There is something men always fantasize about. Like Kayisire, most men draw lots of women, sometimes against their own judgment. This does not necessarily mean that they are more attractive than their “Ladies”. In fact, you might find when they are not attractive at all, but when they are dying to have them. Asked why she is attracted to Kayisire. Umurerwa replied, “He’s well built and sexy. Kayisire is strong, aggressive and self-assured. I feel safe with him.”What does she think of his unbecoming behaviour? Umurerwa says, “It’s not his fault, he’s trying to get his senses together,” she defends. “I haven’t met anyone else who makes me feel the way he does. He is so charming and passionate. He tells me how much he loves me. So, that means he feels something for me and he needs me.” Most women seek at least some of these traits in a man. So, where is the problem? Basi-cally, it’s in such a man’s inability to meet the woman’s fundamental needs. In this case, Umurerwa is the one doing most [nearly all] the giving. For those with no knowledge about falling in love, may wonder what is wrong with Umurerwa. That’s love The problem generally allies in women who are attracted to men who treat their girl-friends harshly. Certainly, this is a psychological problem and any woman who finds her-self repeatedly attracted to men like Kayisire should seriously consider seeking advice from a professional psychologist. It might seem normal to fall in love with such a person but this is only possible if you are suffering from acute “Bad boy” attraction syndrome, and this is influenced by three fac-tors: Self-esteem: if a woman feels good about herself, she chooses a mate who communicates both verbally and non-verbally to her that she is valued and respected. She will not allow one to undermine her positive self-worth, because she believes in her ability to participate in a healthy, reciprocal relationship. An intimate relationship is one in which neither party silences, sacrifices, nor betrays the self and each party expresses strength and vulnerability, weakness and competence in a balanced way.’ Thus if a woman is capable of true intimacy, she is open to her partner’s availability. And in return, she wants him to be a full and active participant in the relationship. Fortunately, most women fall somewhere in between. However, if you have identified with Umurerwa, you need to evaluate yourself in each area and decide on a course of ac-tion that will help you choose a “Nice guy,” who stirs your senses and meets your needs while being available for a real relationship. Ends
