It is an open secret that every December, Kigali does indeed seem to transform into the marriage capital of the world, elevating seasonal festivities into fairy-tale romantic traditions. What a wonderful cause for festivity romance makes! I may be traditional, but I believe our hearts were designed to be full. I wish us all the completeness of loving and being loved back. But indeed, the question stands .... What will it take? After all, you can not reap what you did not sow. Yes, we all wish to be loved. We all yearn for the assurance that someone will see us, accept us, make space for us, believe in us, defend and uplift us, appreciate our efforts and value our presence. Yet, paralysed with the fear of vulnerability, unable to take a leap of faith into the newness of marriage, some may be afraid to love or re-love with abandon and to make a lifelong commitment. We witness comments made from self-imposed sidelines. The tales of success stories can often be drowned out by those of disappointment. To be exposed to some of the modern popular discourse on marriage is deeply perplexing and perhaps discouraging. Much of the youth reports itself disillusioned with the institution of marriage, as if failure or regret were its status quo. But there are no dividends to be collected from investments that were not made, in good faith. A home that is not built brick by brick can not shelter you; a home in which love is not poured can not love you back. To refute “difference” in love is to doom this love to failure. What if marriage were a divine calling? Just as the “Yin” is perfectly balanced by its “Yang”, the day requires the companionship of the night. What if opposites actually did attract? What if pairs, different but complementary, were meant to find each other, to love each other in spite of their imperfections, to improve each other? While self-love is important, what would the world look like, if we just married ourselves, enabled ourselves, with no counter-balance to mitigate our flaws? What a narcissistic world this would be! What if a healthy marriage were always worth its price? The values that the human race has espoused over millennia of civilisation - such as the institution of marriage - are not a collective “bad call”, but the legacy of eons of living, studying and attempting to better the human experience. Man and woman finding each other is the very source of life. But when we fail to see the divine beauty of a selfless union, marriage becomes a heavy, spiky cross to carry. Marriage does indeed entail sacrifice; the very symbolism of giving one’s self at the altar involves a death by sacrifice of the old self or ego, to be reborn as shared flesh, between two people united by the force of love, and worthy of such a gift. Know that ultimately, this mutual sacrifice will fulfill them both. No, the wedding itself does not seal the deal. Existing as part of a unit will require transformation, and this unit can only remain solid through commitment to growth; honest communication, understanding and compassion. It flourishes in acknowledgement, recognition, acceptance, and respect for differences. It lives in the embracing of complementary qualities and in continued renewal and adaptation. What if we reconciled traditional, enduring values with modernity? Compromised family values strike me as both a symptom and an effect of a society in decline. Who gave marriage a bad name? Families are not a trap; they are a blessing. When from the love of a partner, is born the lovingness with which your infant child clutches your finger. When from the love of a spouse, is built the drive to always do better professionally. When from vows of lifelong commitment, families and communities are successfully accompanied through dark times, I wonder....is treasure relinquished or gained from choosing a life partner and remaining loyal to our homes? But perhaps our times were somewhat simpler. These days, people are flooded, through screens designed to keep their gazes fixed, with images of pastures seemingly greener than the ones they have. Filtered and edited beauty, glamorous lifestyles of suspicious perfection, theatrical acts of ideal romance appear before a dreamy youth, creating the illusion of infinite choice. No actual person possesses the”blueprint” of perfectness, of the intriguing stranger, who carefully selects their best moments to assure the internet, or television, of the desirability of their appearance and character. No couple navigates their love, immune from occasions that require patience and maturity. Nothing worthwhile, whether studies, a career, a friendship, the transformation of a country, or the making of family, can be achieved without the overcoming of challenges, and the sometimes difficult choice of sticking to the carefully crafted plan. What if to love a spouse, was to espouse personal responsibility? Politics and even spirituality can only do so much to place happiness into our homes. As autonomous beings, it is ultimately through our choices and actions that we can choose to build healthy, loving homes for ourselves and, most importantly, for our children. Even in the most loving of homes, reason must supercede passion, and reflection should always outweigh the need for gratification. After all ... what logic is there in squandering familial welfare, to feel a sense of youthful independence, or to have the upper hand over our significant other? Note that toxicity can erode even the most precious bond, destroying the mental and physical health of everyone exposed. Who really wins an argument that breaks a home? When properly accompanied, families can perform miracles, survive early years of challenging adaptation and build a legacy. Afterall, honouring the blessing of our families takes the wealth within: to thrive, children primarily need quality time, care, attention, and healthy exchange with both their parents. Indeed, the number of adults with fond memories of humble yet loving homes can attest to this. Parents will be parents.... advice will be given This holiday season, may we be responsible, intentional, accountable, in festivities, as in love! I share the lessons that time has allowed me, in the hope that they will equip this country’s children, whom I shall always love devotedly, with the best tools and skills for success in life. A family overcomes seasons together. One may either choose for their marriage to be sacred, or just a meaningless farce ... but nothing in between. When selecting the potential parent of your child, opt for the person who embodies the values you wish to inculcate in your child; accepting that no one is perfect, for after all, neither are you. It takes work, but it is a labour of love. Treat your partner with the same gentleness and patience you hope someone will one day give your child While the two of you will grow and encounter unforeseen life-changing challenges which will test your faith in each other, you must not fear starting this adventure as you would want to finish it, cultivating values of friendship, true companionship, and never compromising each other’s dignity. Love as you wish to be loved. Trade romance cynicism, for purposeful optimism. The Rwanda We Want starts with the Rwandan families we want, and for this, the power is indeed yours. Let us share the tools for success that we have established, cross-generationally, encouraging conversations between couples and families in all stages of their lives. Know that parents as we may be, we wish to hear from the youth, not just for our information, but for equal inspiration. As it pertains to healthy unions, as it pertains to the thriving of Rwandan families, our doors will always remain open to your insights, your queries, your observations, and your wisdom. Thank you for reading, and thank you for loving! Happy holidays, and may our new couples’ homes remain havens of peace and love! The writer is the First Lady of Rwanda
