I am a married woman and a mother of four children. I have an elderly mother who has been living alone in the village ever since our father died 20 years ago. I have tried to take care of her but I have reached the end of the road. I go to the village every weekend to see her but I find she is not in a good shape, she has a helper but still you can see that she is not comfortable. I have decided to take her, against her wishes, to a home for the elderly where she can be well taken of. If I take her to there will she be affected? Urujeni. Dear Urujeni, Rarely in our African culture, do we take our elderly parents to a home for the elderly to be taken care of. It is only done if that elderly person has no one at all to take care of her. Your mother is resisting your attempt to take her to a home because she feels that you are taking her there to abandon and forget about her. As a parent, I can imagine the feeling of being abandoned by my own children who I raised and never abandoned even in the most difficult of times- only to be neglected in old age when they are most needed. I know it must be difficult for you to be going to the village every weekend to check on your mother, but don’t you think it will be easier for you if you kept her near you? In fact, it will be a lot cheaper if she lived with you. What does it take to live with an elderly parent really? Do you know what the society will think of you if you take your mother to a home to be taken care of by strangers? What about her, have you cared to know her feelings of going into a home and the reasons she is resisting? You are sitting on a time bomb my friend- you are bound to lose everything you cherish in this life if you can’t have the blessings of your parent. You do not know what you have until when you lose it. We have many orphans who wish they could be in your position and at least have even that one parent- but unfortunately those are just wishes, yet you have been given the chance to take care of the one person who brought you up selflessly up to where you are now, only for you to abandon her at the hour when she needs your love and support the most. What goes around comes around- do this to your mother today and your children will do it to you when your time comes, and you will have no face to defend yourself because they witnessed what you did to your own mother. I visit the homes quite often, and believe you me, it’s not a place I can choose for my mother if I am in the position to live and take care of her in her old age. I advise you to visit and talk to some old people in the homes, those who have no option will have a wish story and those who were taken there by their children have a story to tell with tears in their eyes, some wish they never had children. No matter what it takes, make your mother comfortable in her last days- if you don’t, you will leave no legacy for your children and their children to come. kayitesius@yahoo.com
