Rethinking masculinity: It’s time men put their families first

During a recent visit to Mageragere prison, the central prison of Rwanda, I observed interactions that highlighted the challenging dynamics between men and their families. What struck me most was tension and quarrel between women and men, instead of tender reunions or words of encouragement as I could have anticipated. Who would have imagined such a visit to see a beloved one without an “I missed you” or “You will be fine”? It was far from the emotional connections I had thought possible in such situations. One interaction stood out. On my way back, I met a woman who had just had tension while visiting her husband, a man serving a five-year sentence, with only one year left until his release. She was frustrated and hurt, saying she wouldn’t be returning to visit him. Her voice shook with betrayal as she shared, “I came here to warn him: if he commits another crime, I won’t be supporting him anymore. For four years, I’ve struggled to support him and our children alone, and I’ve been the one getting him court services, buying him extra food and visiting him every week.” She took a pause, looking almost lost in her own thoughts before continuing. “But I found out he has been writing to his concubine, promising her a future together after his release. He even told her he would sell our plot of land to buy her a house! How does he plan to build a life with another woman when he has barely maintained the one he already has? What about our kids, our future?” The pain and sense of betrayal in her voice were undeniable. Here was a woman who had stood by her husband, honoring her commitment even through the stigma and hardship of having a partner in prison. But instead of her husband planning to repair the gaps caused by his absence and strengthen their family, he was pledging himself to someone who hadn’t sacrificed a thing for him. Listening to her, I realised that her experience wasn’t unique. Many women, who had faithfully supported their partners, were discovering that their sacrifices and loyalty were often overlooked or, worse, disregarded. They were willing to forgive mistakes, to support and endure challenges. But what they couldn’t understand was the lack of appreciation and commitment from the men they had chosen to stand by. When I shared this encounter with my friend, she recounted a related story. She had once met another woman in tears, collecting her husband’s belongings after he was caught and sent to prison. Without warning, his phone, now in her possession, lit up with messages from women he had been involved with. To her shock, she uncovered dark secrets, where her husband had not only been unfaithful but had also invested their hard-earned savings into relationships with various women. She found herself questioning everything — was he ever committed to their family? Had he ever truly valued their relationship? And eventually realizing fake excuses that he used to throw upon his failure to support and fullfil family goals. These women, and countless others like them, aren’t just angry; they are devastated. Their pain goes beyond the sting of betrayal; it is the realization that their loyalty, love, and sacrifices are disregarded. And as I reflected on these stories, a critical thought emerged — It’s time for men to re-evaluate what masculinity really means. Let us get this right — I am not claiming that men are always the problem in struggling family relationships. This is just one area of improvement I chose to suggest today, and I really acknowledge and honor every man battling particular violence out here. There’s often an unspoken narrative in many societies, Rwanda included, where emotional vulnerability and accountability aren’t seen as “masculine” characteristics. Yet, what could be more honorable, more truly masculine, than putting the well-being of one’s family first? Isn’t it time for a shift, where loyalty and emotional responsibility are recognised as strengths in a man, rather than weaknesses? This isn’t just about avoiding infidelity or respecting marriage vows. It’s about fostering an emotional commitment that supports the entire family, creating an environment where children can witness respect, integrity, and empathy within their own homes. Men who prioritise their wives’ emotions and put family bonds above fleeting desires are building more than just a relationship — they’re building a legacy of respect and emotional resilience in their children. Similarly, children who witness their parents working together, valuing each other’s emotions, and communicating honestly are more likely to grow up with a healthy understanding of love and partnership. They learn by example that respect and loyalty are foundational pillars, essential for any relationship to thrive. This kind of consideration would mean rethinking what it means to be a man in today’s world. In Rwanda, masculinity is often tied to strength, endurance, and dominance, but embracing qualities like empathy, accountability, and emotional awareness doesn’t take away from a man’s strength; it amplifies it. When a man considers how his choices impact his family, he’s not only acting responsibly but also setting an example for his children. He’s showing his sons and daughters that respect and love go hand in hand, and that being a “strong” man includes making sacrifices, offering support, and, above all, staying committed. Because, after all, what could be more manly? It’s time for men to embrace this shift. Loyalty isn’t just about staying physically faithful; it’s about making choices that support and nurture the family’s collective well-being. It’s about thinking twice before engaging in behaviors that could hurt or disappoint those they love. In doing so, men can redefine masculinity as a blend of strength and compassion, a legacy that doesn’t only serve them but also benefits their wives, children, and the broader community. To my brothers, male friends, relatives, colleagues, and perhaps the entire existing patriarchy, here’s the assignment: Let’s break the cycle of broken promises and unmet commitments. Put family first. Your children, your wife, and your communities deserve a form of masculinity that is compassionate and responsible. Let’s lead by example, showing the next generation that real masculinity isn’t just about pride or bravado, but about the courage to value and respect the family you’ve created. That perspective on masculinity doesn’t make a man weaker; it makes him someone worth admiring, both in his household and beyond. The author is a Usability Specialist & Technical Writer at KudiBooks, a cloud-based accounting software and payment solution.

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Rethinking masculinity: It’s time men put their families first