Humour: “The Return of the Villager”

After what seems like an eternity of “M.I.A”. (Missing in action), here comes the villager once again for the second time (that is how we used to say way back in the life of “basiniya” (guys in Senior Secondary schools). How else was one expected to perfect the “Queen’s language” if that human being had never travelled outside the land where they spoke only his mother or is it father tongue, leave alone a language one may call a close cousin of the mother tongue of the individual! We were even taught to think and dream only in vernacular. However, the irony was that, we always got punished if caught talking the so called vernacular! Yes, it is so called, otherwise, who determines which language is vernacular or not? Isn’t English the vernacular of the English people? In the colonial days, the Africans were derogatively referred to as “natives”; this was in a way meant to denote a race of low class. If nobody is willing to welcome me back, then I can as well do the “drumming and dancing” to my own tunes. Welcome back the one and only Mfashumwana. I am the one and only authentically and truly recognized villager, others happen to be villager by coincidence or are referred to as villagers in a derogative manner. Now a Days, it is common to hear someone referring to another as a “muturaje” (a connotation for a villager) that may mean a resident of a given place. In my case (for the benefit of those who are meeting me for the first time), I and the village were one inseparable entity. After being in what seemed like “self imposed exile”, here I am, back in the same old style. Nothing new, as the English adage goes, “you cannot teach old dog new tricks”, meaning, I am still the same old Mfashumwana; the only difference is that, I am now one year older than last year when we last “met” eh! In that period of oblivion, a lot of water has flown under the bridges. I used to get lots of feedback from my dedicated readers when I was still “alive” but when I “departed” (as many though or were made to believe), these dried up completely and also. I heard of rumours sijui, that, Mfashumwana has been fired; Mfashumwana had gone to nineteen thirty, that Mfashumwana had become past tense, etc. Take heart, these were all mere rumours and some malicious propaganda, being perpetrated by some “imperialists”, as the good late dictator, Dr. Field Marshall, General Idi Amin Dada, VC DSO MC CBE RIP, would have said. I am very happy to be back, though I am wondering as to whether my former page-mate, the Diaspoman will be happy to receive me back, I suppose he may be wary of me taking away a bit of his shine, eh! In the village, when you are seen to be a threat, someone might decide to go to the “African Labs” (dokita kakakuona’s lab) to have you dispatched to the land of your ancestors; making you an ancestor before your ripe time. For the period of time I was away, now that I am back, I will try as much as possible to give you a full account of what transpired and how and where, the villager was, what he was doing with himself etc. Maybe, I will begin by apologising to all those that tried to write or is it e-mal me and were getting the equivalent of “le numéro compose n’est pas accessible c’est moment”, my e-mail account had been suspended for non payment! Don’t worry, now that I am back, it will keep open. The so called Economic Crunch or is it crush, is here, biting hard. We used to lure some “Zungus” into sending us some few hundreds of their hard earned dollars in a guise of helping our less fortunate brothers and sisters, but now, they too are having a field day containing their own economic meltdown. If there is anybody out there willing to share a few AMSTELS with the villager, you are most welcome. Mfashumwana@fastmail.fm