Kabanda’s musings: Copying from the honourable chairman

Part of my biography is written on my legs: the scar from the kick of a ticklish cow from which I was trying to remove a tick, the scar from a bad tackle form a boy with whom I played football, a black strip reminding me of the corporal punishment for reaching late at school and of course the many bruises from daily collision of myself, my bicycle and the road. It goes without saying, therefore, that shorts are not my thing, weekend or not. When My Dearest Datiliva announced that on Saturday she and I were going to visit Aunt Zipora, I had no idea what she had in mind until she laid in front of me two pairs of identical shorts and said I should pick my choice. Of course there was no choice to make; the pairs of shorts were identical but what surprised me was the Devil that had entered her to even think that I, son of an African, would drape myself in attire that revealed my long kept secrets. She told me I could not let her down after she had informed Auntie that she and I were visiting her and knowing her Auntie must have made a lot of preparations in anticipation of our visit. When my Dearest insisted that I put on a pair of shorts, I requested that she and I amicably resolve our differences which she granted. I told my Datiliva that whereas people have a right to dress the way they want as long as they do not offend members of the public I believe shorts are meant to be worn in the privacy of one’s home and its environs. People who put on shorts and go beyond their homesteads are fixated to their childhood and cannot let go of the good memories and wish that they could relieve that childhood. I pointed out that you find such people with protruding bellies and long tailed shirts un-tucked in, feeling good and want everyone else to know how they feel. Such people want to show something they would otherwise have said on the roof of a house for everyone to know. My Datiliva told me to sit down which I did. She said she has always respected my opinions but was starting to get doubts about my judgment. “Do you know that the Chairman, Board of Directors of our “University” and an important person at that came to the “Campus” Smart in a pair of shorts, walked majestically and “academically” as he invigilated students sitting for their Examinations? “That cannot be” I said “for two reasons; Chairmen and chairwomen of University Boards of Directors do not invigilate Examinations because that would be a vote of no confidence in the Management and Staff of the University and the Chairmen and Presidents of Boards of Directors of Universities and University Councils are “Fountains” of Honour and the last thing they would do is to bring disrepute to themselves and the Institutions they represent. So no Chairman of a University Board of Directors could stand in front of the student congregation in a pair of shorts let alone carry any official duties on behalf of the University. That would be comparable to Minister attending a Cabinet meeting bare-chested”. “You see, you’re so out of touch with fashion!” said my Datiliva. “Style knows neither age nor title; have you not seen important fat Bazungu putting on shorts and looking good? Shouldn’t the Chairman of the Board of Directors of our University put on a pair of Shorts and invigilate and even supervise the administration of Examinations?” I thought some people are either going nuts or becoming geniuses. I mused at the imagination of a lady Professor entering a lecture theatre in a skirt that exposed her navel or underwear Or a Lecturer who stands in front of his students in a sleeveless vest and lecturers and the uproar it might cause. Imagine going to your place of work and finding your Managing Director at the gate in a collarless T-shirt and a pair of shorts waiting for a group of potential International partners. Maybe the good chairman Board of Directors wanted to make a fashion statement to his hapless students and their lecturers. Maybe he did not realize the importance of the position he holds? Are there two chairmen Board of Directors of a University with one who invigilates students sitting for examinations in a pair of shorts and another who dresses in flowing robes and gowns on graduation day? Did the man imagine it would make students sitting for examinations “relax” as he was relaxing albeit at the wrong place and time? Did the Chairman want the Rector, Vice Rectors, Academic and support staff to all put on pairs of shorts and “umukondo-show” skirts and parade along for their students to behold? Unsure of how best to refuse the command of my Dearest I told her that in accordance with prophesies of some religious sects the world is soon coming to its end and the best we could do is to pray. ekaba2002@yahoo.com