Diaspoman: When Béa applied divide and eat tactics

There is a time when Aggrey and I were not seeing eye to eye! This was during those wacky mid 90s when Madame Béa played “divide and eat” tricks that ended up causing havoc. You see, Madam Béa had set me up as a potential fiancé of the most beautiful lady in the poor section of Kiyovu. Her name was Miss P. However, Madam Béa tried to maximize on her revenues by selling the very same idea to my housemate, Aggrey. Whereas Béa had told me that Miss P was mine, she went behind my back to strike a similar deal for Aggrey. The trick, of course was that I would not utter anything about my new catch to anybody; not even to Aggrey. Apparently, the same instructions were given to Aggrey; he was not supposed to tell me about his blossoming relationship with Miss P. Indeed, that is why Aggrey told me that he was heading to Mutara for the weekend. He advised me to stick at home in case thieves came over to steal our few possessions. I wished him well and looked forward to seeing him in a few days. Whereas I thought that I would see Aggrey in a few days, the truth of the matter is that I saw him 3 hours later. You see, when Aggrey left for Mutara, I kind of felt a bit bored. So, I strolled down from our poor section of Kiyovu towards Muhima where a booming discotheque called Black and White was rocking with Congolese music. As I settled at the busy bar, perched on a stool, I spotted Miss P dancing away like there was no tomorrow. I started to curse and curse. Why wasn’t Béa fast enough to hook me to Miss P? Who was that lucky guy dancing with her anyway? After taking a closer look, I was left shell-shocked. The lucky guy who was jazzing with my Miss P was none other than my best buddy; Aggrey! My anger rose at a very terrific speed and I started to convince myself that Aggrey was soon going to be unlucky after receiving some lightweight blows from me. I call them lightweight blows because during those days, I was still a weakling who survived on an empty stomach and a very full head. My head would be filled by toxic fumes emanating from a place called Bralirwa. During those mid 90s, we never allowed ourselves to eat on an empty head. I hear these days people don’t want to drink on an empty stomach. Ours was the opposite; we never attempted to eat anything on an empty head. For us, eating on an empty head was considered to be a sin. We had to ensure that our heads were filled with several Amstels before we could even think of chewing a small plate of chips. So, that is why I never considered myself as a heavyweight for the Aggrey-Diaspoman boxing match. It was more like a lightweight boxing and kicking match. So, as Miss P and Aggrey were enjoying a Paka-chini stint, I made my move. It was not any kind of move; it was a real Jackie Chan flying kick. But as my luck had run out, I mistimed my kick. It was meant to crush into Aggrey’s chest. However, it missed him and instead my flying foot hit a 6 foot giant of a guy. This was followed by a very painful thump on the dance floor. The impact of hitting the giant boomeranged on me as I fell backwards like a sack of cassava. At this point I was sure that the patrons in the disco would pick me up, dust my clothes and take me back to the counter to guzzle some more. That was not to happen. Instead, the patrons continued to dance away through the night as justice was bestowed upon me. The bestowment of the justice was not in form of a gift from Aggrey and Miss P. No way, the justice came in a form of kicks, elbows and uppercuts. This 6 foot giant picked me from the floor and placed me in a dark corner. It was from this dark corner that the giant proceeded to feed me with several kicks, elbows, slaps and fists. He thumped me until all the booze evaporated from my head. From this dark corner where my torture was continuing, I sighted Aggrey and Miss P hand in hand. They were leaving the discotheque for a cosier environment. I tried to call out but my tongue was stuck! After the serious beating, I managed to crawl out of the place like a battered thief. I slowly but painfully made my way back to our Kiyovu house in total misery. I slipped into my bed, all alone in the house. My mind raced back and forth as I planned on how to pay back in the same currency. Aggrey, Miss P and Béa had to pay. At least, they would have to ensure that I would spend the next 2 weeks, filling my head – no matter whether it’s on an empty stomach or not… diaspoman@yahoo.com