Dear Aunt Silvia, I am a married middle aged woman. I have just found out that my fifteen year old daughter who goes to school abroad is expecting a baby. I am so ashamed that I haven’t told anyone about this except my husband. Her father wants her immediately back in the country while I think it’s best if she stays where she is until when the baby is born. I feel let down by my daughter. What do I do? Lilac. Dear Lilac, While it’s understandable that you are seriously hurt by her poor decisions, a wise parent needs to address the nature of their disappointment. At this point is it about your needs and your image, or is it genuinely about her loss? If your frustration is more about you, you’ve got to move beyond that. Teen age is a very tricky stage in anyone’s life. So when children are left alone in a foreign country at that age, with no one to give them proper guidance and rules to follow, then they may easily fall victim to peer pressure. Right now she does not need you to reprimand her out of your frustration. She’s already feeling bad enough about the situation. She needs to be commended for being honest with you, telling you about the problem, and not having dealt with it through an abortion. She needs your sympathy, and your love, in spite of the poor choices that she has made. Choose to vent your anger and frustration alone or with another trusted adult, rather than on your daughter. As you interact with your daughter, try to restrain the disappointment you feel. It’s difficult, but understand that it is likely she is already stressed, scared, ashamed and possibly depressed. Now is not the time to put extra strain on her life, and on your relationship. A difficult thing to try to gain perspective on is that, despite the precarious beginnings of this child’s life, the baby is still an incredible gift from God. God has allowed the baby to be conceived and born into this world at this time. It is not easy, but it’s essential that you begin to move past the disappointing circumstances and celebrate this new life. As a mom, I would choose to use this time bond with my daughter, by telling her what your pregnancy with her was like. It’s critical that you help her understand the feelings she’s going to have, the changes taking place in her body and the anticipation of being a mother. Finally, you need to really talk through your daughter’s wishes and hear her heart. You need to assess that relationship with the father of her child. Talk about it with your daughter. Find out what her heart is on. You need to review the nature of the boyfriend and evaluate whether or not this is a good relationship that should continue. Consult with your daughter about that. At this point, you may need to be worked through with a good counsellor. They can help you talk through the different options and the pressures you’re facing as a family, it’s very important to remember that God often uses these poor choices that we make, and brings something beautiful out of them. Help your daughter see that God’s love is there for her. Remember it’s never too late for anyone to start doing things right, to start doing things God’s way. Be patient with your daughter as you pray for her, but let her know that your love and support is unconditional. kayitesius@yahoo.com
