Jacques has been through 13 relationships and he is only 23 years old. He started dating in primary four, and his first girlfriend was a classmate back then. They broke up because he participated in a football inter-school competition instead of attending her birthday party. His last relationship was three months ago. He broke it off because he was not feeling appreciated enough by his girl. She didn’t pick most of his calls, didn’t meet him as often as he would have wanted, she didn’t post him on social media and the breaking point was that she had told him that they wouldn’t have sex before at least dating for a year or so. Plus, he was not really sure she was not having it with someone else, he suspected. Jacques’ experience is similar to many millennials’. We are not here to suffer, if anything inconveniences you, block! Plus if it’s meant to be, it will be, right? There’s a famous TikTok saying that goes, “when someone loves you, you won’t have to ask for anything. Love is not supposed to be a hard thing…” Many blogs, relationship advice on TikTok, reels from perfect couples on Instagram, and dating drama stories on Facebook, don’t portray the reality of loving someone who is not like you, sees life differently, has other dreams, and is not model-like, handsome or beautiful. Neither do they show us what to do after a conflict. They rather show us that you post sad or defensive memes/quotes insulting them, or worse, divulge their nudes. It is often implied that cheating is the ultimate end of a relationship, that forgiveness and second chances are a sign of toxicity, and you are always the victim. All these encourage selfishness, lack of communication and effort to understand the other person. They discourage commitment in the pursuit of a ‘happy ever after’ that most especially has to be on your own terms. However, a relationship is for two, and if each one is not willing to find a middle ground, let alone compromise, the relationship is no more. According to Marriage Expert, the most common reasons people break up nowadays are, lack of emotional intimacy and trust, sexual incompatibility, differences in life goals, poor communication and conflict resolution skills. Another thing, in modern culture, only a few still believe in exclusive relationships and marriage. They are viewed as for those who are stuck up and boring. As for the cool ones, ‘no strings attached’ is the new motto. These continue even after marriage. So you find that a few months into the marriage, one misses their old ways, hence, cheats or divorces to go back. Marie Semukondo, a Kigali resident, suggests that the problems are not new, rather the way youngsters handle them is what is wrong. “It is like you are in some kind of rush, you don’t take enough time to know the person you want to date or for them to truly know you as well. By the time you are discovering some traits you can’t tolerate in the other person, you run,” she says. Semukondo, who has been married for 15 years, also finds that young people have minimised the value of previously sacred words. “Saying I love you should not be taken lightly. One has to really feel it and mind you, their actions should show as well,” she says. Semukondo points out that traditional relationships tend to last long. What makes them better is that they have clearly defined roles and hence minimise the occurrence of misunderstanding. For example, the man could be the sole provider or primary breadwinner, also take care of home repairs, trash, and vehicle or tools maintenance. While the woman would take care of the cooking, cleaning and be the primary caretaker of the children. However, people in modern relationships, despite breaking free of the stereotypical roles of relationships and marriage, can define their own coupledom. It could be an unmarried couple living together, or a married couple who both work, share chores, and take care of their children. To be able to define what works for both of you, there’s a need to first know what works for each one of you. Openness to learning, listening to understanding, forgiving and staying to make it work, without seeking outside validation, could be the missing part of the puzzle of modern relationships.
