Going by many experiences, the past can influence present life, and at times, negatively. Failure to move on may affect one’s happiness and sense of achievement. A lot of things that happened in the past can keep one stuck, and hinder them from moving forward. It could be relationships that went wrong, heartbreak, the loss of a loved one, perceived successes or failures, or even failure to forgive oneself—clinging on to pain and regret. Although some people find it easy to move on after a difficult experience, it’s not the case with others—which creates a lasting impact on their mental health. Some people can’t let go of the past because of traumatic experiences. Experts say that trauma is a kind of psychological wound that can result from any distressing experience, such as loss, danger, or deep embarrassment. “Living in the past brings no good but misery. I have been in scenarios where I cried myself to sleep because I couldn’t make things right in the past, I made mistakes that breached a friendship that was so dear to me. But with time, I had to meet up with this person and apologise, although we are not best of friends like we were before, at least I put my ego aside and owned up to a blunder that happened five years back,” says Fiona Abayisenga, an IT student. Repetitive thinking about past events, also called rumination, is associated with depression. Photo/Net For her, instead of staying stuck in the past, she has diverted her focus to learning and improving herself to be better. She has highlighted the areas she is still struggling with. Her next step is finding the right tools to move forward. She believes that it’s time she started empowering herself, if it needs seeking counselling, she is ready for it. Abayisenga notes that as you embark on the journey forward, you need to surround yourself with people who motivate and encourage you, not those who keep revisiting the past and reminding you of your pain or mistakes. According to Psych Central, a mental health information platform, learn to express the pain the hurt made you feel, whether it’s directly to the other person, or just getting it out of your system (like venting to a friend, or writing in a journal, or writing a letter you will never send to the other person). Get it all out of your system at once. Doing so will also help you understand what specifically your hurt is about. For Bright Nkurunziza, a counselling student, the past should come with lessons, regardless of how bad it treated you, self-examine yourself, and meditate. Learn to live past the pain, lack of control, and resentment. At the end of it all, you will realise that you picked lessons on how to relate with people, when and how to trust, and control your emotions. “Sometimes, guilt, shame, or regret may also present intense anxiety towards that loss of control. Refrain yourself from being the victim, by discovering your worth and value, set boundaries where necessary, make intentional decisions, take care of yourself, and show kindness to others,” he says. Nkurunziza says that you ought to learn to forgive the people that took you for granted, took advantage of your kindness, and disrespected you to the point of questioning your worth. “Forgive them because when you hold onto that anger, chances are you will never be able to move on, they don’t need to ask for forgiveness first, just do it for your well-being.” He also points out that you should focus on positivity, and be grateful about each and every little thing. But also, allow yourself to meet new people, who will support you, as you do the same in return. There are ways to address the lingering effects of past experiences. This may involve practicing self-compassion, trying mindfulness as a way of focusing on the present moment, or seeking therapy to explore unresolved feelings, Medical News Today states. Some people experience rumination, or a tendency to think excessively about the same things. According to an article in the American Psychological Association’s Monitor on Psychology, people who ruminate often have a history of trauma and believe that ruminating helps them gain insight. However, rumination may actually make it more difficult to solve problems, thereby preventing people from moving forward. It is a common feature of depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). People can also hold onto the past for other reasons. For example, they may long for positive experiences that are now over or dwell on past events because of an unconscious desire to avoid being hurt in the future, Medical News Today notes. The aforementioned sites offers tips on how to let go of the past: Make a commitment to let go The first step toward letting go is realising that it is necessary and feeling ready to do so. This can happen at different times for different people, but once someone makes this decision, it can be empowering. Feel the feelings Memories of past events can bring up complex or strong emotions. Allowing oneself to feel those feelings unconditionally, without trying to fight or fix them, is an important step toward processing what happened. This can be difficult, so it may help to express these feelings in a safe place, such as in a journal, with a trusted friend, or with a therapist. Take responsibility If relevant, it can help people who feel guilt, embarrassment, or shame about the past to take responsibility for their role in the event. This does not mean blaming oneself, but simply acknowledging what happened and taking ownership of past actions. This can help people feel less helpless and feel that if they can take responsibility for the past, they can do the same for the future. Practice mindfulness Mindfulness is a skill that encourages people to focus on what is happening in the present. This can help people who struggle with rumination. Research suggests that people who are more mindful experience less rumination and are more likely to be compassionate toward themselves.
