You have probably met the one your heart longs for, and discussed your stand on marriage, perhaps even popped the magic question, and of course, she said ‘yes’, congratulations! But a lot lies ahead of you. Marriage is a life-long commitment and you wouldn’t want to make the vows and later realise that you’re not on the same page with your partner on a number of topics. You need to have a clear view of what to expect so that you’re not taken by surprise. Jacqueline Akimana has been married for two years and she recalls that when her relationship was moving towards marriage, she discussed with her husband-to-be whether to have kids or not, it so happened that they were both interested. She notes that they had to be specific on the number of kids they wanted, and even went further to talk about the other options of having children in case they weren’t able to have biological children, although her husband wasn’t okay with adoption, with time, he agreed to it. “I just wanted to prepare my husband; what if we weren’t able to have our own children due to different issues, would the marriage still stand? I have seen couples opt for a divorce due to failure of bearing children,” Akimana says. She believes that having a thorough discussion about childbearing is key, not only the number of children to have, but also, the parenting tactics, finances to cater for them, and other life choices. For her, another thing that you must talk about before taking any step, is religion, because you need to be enlightened on whether you will accept each other’s religious beliefs, that’s if they are different. “Would you attend the same church, would you raise children in both religions? Would your love still flourish if one of you doesn’t even pray or belong to any religion?” She says, if you don’t decide on this as soon as possible, chances are you may clash. In one of her articles, Rachel Cruze, an American author, highlights that know where you both stand on money. This needs to be one of the first questions you ask before you get married, because arguing about money is one of the biggest causes of divorce. Put all of the cards face-up on the table. “No secrets. It’s time to come completely clean and get in agreement about what’s going on here. When you do that, you will also learn a lot about that person’s habits, whether they’re a spender or a saver, and those kinds of things,” she writes. She also encourages being open about the loans you have as well, and specify them and what you used that money for. Cruze also notes that you really need to find out what you’re getting into with your in-laws. How much of your life do they want to be a part of—and how involved or uninvolved do each of you want them to be? Layout your expectations upfront to avoid future trouble. Marcus Mugisha hopes to take the marriage step if all goes well next year, however, being an introvert, he loves his space and is worried about what will happen when he spends most of the time with his wife. For him, he is ready to discuss his worry with his girlfriend and find means on how they will set boundaries and allow each other to have their alone time, but also not allow boredom to tear them apart. He says that being alone doesn’t necessarily mean sitting by yourself doing nothing, but maybe reading a book, meditating, taking a walk, and much more. He also says that some issues are minor but may spark conflict, for instance, the idea of taking on the husband’s name. Although some people think it’s a must, he says it’s important to discuss with your partner and come to a conclusion on what to do. “You can choose to take on your husband’s name, and use an initial of your second name instead, or use all your names inclusive of your husband, though this shouldn’t be assumed, but rather discussed and come to a common ground,” he says. Mugisha also says that find out what your partner’s love language (words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch) is, as it will be easier to appreciate them. He notes that it’s hard to impress someone when you don’t know what they want. He also says to speak to your partner about how they respond or react while annoyed or frustrated, if they throw plates or things at you, point knives at you, then you’re in trouble because you’re not guaranteed that they will change after marriage.
