When it comes to marriage, while the ‘who’ may change, the ‘what’ stays the same, experts say. For this, it’s considered very important to first understand what marriage really is and then reflect on your stance and that of your partner. Once you’ve progressed through the initial stages of dating and falling in love, and have even had the ‘define the relationship’ conversation, there are still some important things to talk about before diving into engagement and wedding planning, according to Your Tango, a publisher focused on love, relationships, emotional wellness, and self-empowerment. Deciding when to have ‘the talk’ about marriage in relationships is a big deal. And knowing how to have a conversation about getting engaged and married is something everyone wants to get right. Before deciding when and how to talk about marriage, it’s critical to understand your own core beliefs and feelings about married life. In today’s culture, people have a lot of ideas and questions about what marriage is and whether it’s even necessary. More and more people are living together rather than getting married. Some test the waters by living together with the expectation of marriage down the road, while others believe in an open marriage that allows them to be involved with other people. But Eron Musafiri says as an individual, it’s important to know what this union really means; why you want it, how you want it and who you want it with. “The rest of the conversation should come in after this has been settled and cleared out of the way, for you as a person. This information is what acts as foundation for the decisions made heading into marriage,” he says. Christine (not real name) once dated a guy she really liked. They went out for a few times and after a while; she assumed commitment was bound to follow. But this wasn’t the case. She had assumed a relationship with this guy but they had never actually talked about it. They were hanging out, or call it ‘dating,’ but weren’t actually in a relationship or committed whatsoever, as it turned out. Without proper communication, even in the early stages of any relationships, a lot remains unclear. Imagine the weight of this when it comes to marriage. Diana Tumuhairwe, who is currently engaged, says when a person shows interest in you, even before you reach date number two, be vocal about your dreams and plans. “Most people fear to talk about their needs and wants in a relationship for fear of looking desperate. But it shouldn’t be that way, if it is what you want, hiding it doesn’t favour you or the person you are seeing,” she says. She, therefore, says communication is always key, and that when it comes to marriage, a full and honest discussion has to be held. Where to start Before you start thinking about when the right time is to bring up this important topic, first you need to ask yourself some important questions. Relationship coach Amy Milnes says to take your time, go through these questions and answer honestly: What are your reasons for wanting to marry your partner? Going into the conversation prepared with your reasons for wanting to take things to the next level can help you to get clear on whether now really is the right time. Why is now the right time to bring up marriage? Has something changed? Has someone inspired you to want to get married? What has led up to this point? Are you in a long-term, committed relationship or a short-term or newly formed relationship? Will anyone else be impacted or does anyone else need to be considered in this decision (for example, children)? Are there any other factors, beliefs or expectations you need to consider (for example, age, social, religious, culture, family)? Are you both emotionally, mentally and physically ready right now to discuss marriage? Have you already brought up this subject previously (whether as a passing comment or in the early days of getting to know one another)? Milnes recommends that if marriage is non-negotiable for you, bringing it up when in the initial stages of dating will be the best approach. This will save you spending unnecessary time with someone who doesn’t have the same vision for their future as you (and help you to avoid falling in love with someone who is anti-marriage.)
