Women are usually like this. Women should do this instead of that. Women should laugh, speak or walk a certain way. Yes, everybody is entitled to their opinion, but can we stop for a second and listen to what we say? “She doesn’t have feminine legs,” someone once pointed out about one of the girls currently running for the Miss Rwanda beauty pageant. Out of curiosity, I asked him what ‘feminine legs’ are, but he dismissed my concern, claiming he didn’t want to be involved in ‘feminist debates’. But wow! Makes me wonder; what’s the definition of femininity and what’s the fate of those who apparently seem to lack it? Femininity is defines as qualities or attributes regarded as characteristics of women. Does it make one less of a woman of she doesn’t meet this criteria? And who decides this even? As I prepared to write this article, I learnt that femininity is commonly viewed in two ways. One way is more behavioural; a feminine, ‘girlish’ person is passive, naive, sexually inexperienced, soft, and graceful (whatever that means), nurturing, accepting (huh?), prefers bright colours, make-up, or has a strong fashion sense and et cetera. Another way is physical; a feminine person keeps their hair long, clear skin, has a narrow waist, little or no body hair or facial hair and the list is endless. An unfeminine person on the other side is aggressive, outspoken, insensitive, physically imposing, ambitious, demanding, et cetera. Comments like, “you are too tall, strong, broad-shouldered, for a girl” go a long way in destroying someone’s self-esteem. The “too” in the statement is particularly disturbing as it gives an impression of being enclosed within parameters, where too much or too little is unacceptable. It is unfortunate, however, that little can be done to change certain things about ourselves. Oftentimes, folks who don’t fit in with these established standards often end up trapped in physical or emotionally abusive relationships. For some of us, this hits close to home. Being bullied, made fun of, or even beating oneself for not being feminine enough, according to the ridiculous established norms, is often an ugly place to be. For some, it results in depression or worse, suicide. Well, femininity is not moored in a stone! There is no way to measure one’s level of femininity. You are not inadequate friend! It’s time you start embracing yourself, with the “I don’t care what your opinion is” mind-set. As we celebrate Women’s History Month, we should bring to the table these uncomfortable conversations. It is time women appreciate themselves in their various forms and characteristics, without being filtered through objectifying or judging lenses. It is time society sees a woman for what she really is, with her flaws and her splendour. It is time to appreciate her without accompanying the compliment with etiquette. Accept her uniqueness, naturalness, complexity, and individualised femininity.
