Nyana wedded her husband back in 2013. After a year of dating, they believed to have known each other well enough to get married. So, they started a family with both hoping for marital bliss. A few months into marriage however, her husband blurts out how her ex-wife wanted him back and that he was actually considering going back to her. He was a divorcee with kids, but had mentioned none of that when they were dating. Unable to think of anything to say, Nyana recalls staring at her husband blankly for what seemed like an eternity. Of course turmoil ensued, and true to his word, her husband eventually left for his other family. They say you can never know a person completely. That’s why when it comes to marriage; it’s truly a leap of faith choosing to build a life with someone who can anytime camouflage into a totally different person. All the while, someone can show you a side of them, if it’s what they want you to see. But after sometime, another side of them appears and this is often the unpleasant one, Gloria Kanyange a married woman and mother says. It’s very hard to say that you know your partner. People change; people are not always what they seem or who they say they are. It’s a process of learning and understanding your partner therefore, she says. Kanyange is of the view that as long as one considers the basics; principles and ethics, interests and values, the rest becomes a discovery. “You keep learning and knowing each other, and hopefully, as a couple you get to bear with each other.” Bushra Pervaiz highlights that one thing we need to learn is to dichotomise between knowing someone and simply knowing about them. We can know about a person, but we can’t completely understand a person. Because everyone has his own hidden truths, unbearable personality traits and stories that can’t be shared. Each one of us is an incident. Every personality is a story. Where does this leave cohesive living? People change, and this is not always intended, says Fabrice Mukotanyi, a welder. Our past at times catches up with us. It can also be experiences we get along the way. All of this has a way of changing people in that they start behaving a certain way that’s different from what you were used to, he says, adding that, as long as the altered behaviour isn’t life threatening, one can be patient, and learn to cope and deal with their partner. “Whether we want it or not, we all have to find a way of existing together as humans.” Kanyange shares that for the purpose of living happily as a couple, it’s profound to maintain open communication, as this helps to understand when things start changing between you as a couple. Even while dating, she encourages couples to endeavour and learn about each other, even if it means taking years in courtship. “Sometimes people rush into marriages without caring to understand who they are marrying. So when they discover certain traits in their partner, they assume they are changing, yet in real sense, it’s their genuine character,” she says. “At the heart of every relationship should be love. When you love each other and are in it for the long haul, bearing each other’s burdens become a bit easier. Make certain that you both encourage each other to grow and make each other become better people,” she adds. Working on your relationship as a couple should be the goal. Change is inevitable, how you deal with that however is what determines the quality and success of your marriage or relationship. editor@newtimesrwanda.com
