Feature: My datiliva and the dambisasian theory

My Dearest Datiliva, the Political neophyte she is, (do not let her hear of this), thinks she has found the secret to rid the world of poverty. She plans to use it as a vehicle to get into political office! The other day she, for the nth time, came to our watering hole to keep an eye on me so I do not get close to the bleached Waitresses, (well, she said she wanted to keep me company like all married people should do) and used the opportunity to test her new found theory on other Patrons in the bar . After ordering for her brochette she sat back and announced that she is starting a campaign to rid the world of poverty, starting with Kigali. According to her, there is no reason why people should continue to wallow in poverty while the solution is so simple and within reach virtually by whoever cares. No one responded nor seemed to have noticed among the patrons whose minds seemed to have sunk into their beer glasses. “This is a theory that has been discovered by a PhD person. It is a silver bullet against world poverty,” she said raising her voice while prodding my side as if to say ‘you are my husband, do something supportive’. “The idea that PhDs are brighter or more intelligent people, is a myth,” I said, “because given chance, anyone with brains in the right place will get it. So do not tell me because a theory has been developed by Dr. Dambisa Moyo then it must be sensible or applicable.” With eyes wide open she asked me if I wanted to dispute what a PhD holder had written. I did not want this to turn into a duet so I looked at Mbarushimana seated on my left. He saved me by asking her what exactly she wanted to do. My Datiliva, with all the pride she could muster, said she was going to mobilise all the poor people in Kigali to rid them of poverty. First, she was going to organise the beggars, urge them to reject alms, make an Association and trade amongst themselves. Then there would be no beggars as they would be trading amongst themselves while accumulating wealth. Gakwerere who keeps a constant equilibrium of blood and alcohol in his body volunteered to be the first member in the Association. He however wanted to know what the beggars would trade amongst themselves. Before Datiliva could answer, Butera the Teacher (some people call him “Profe”) joined the debate. He said Dambisa is no different from some young Rwandans who go study abroad funded on our taxes and on returning think that in the one year or two they have been out of Rwanda they acquired all the wisdom to tell others how to cure all her ills. “Her ideas are not any different from Du Bois’ who got coroneted complete with royal regalia as the Emperor of Africa in Illinois, Chicago before he even set foot on the Continent of Africa. Dambisa has the idealism and romanticism of Kwameh Nkrumah.” Ndayambaje, a former senior Government official in yester years leaned towards me and asked me who “Tony Muluma” is. “He is the President of Equatorial Guinea” I said. “Yakoze iki” (what did he do) he asked? “He built a railway line from Morocco to the Comoros” I said. He ordered two beers for me. Butera was ranting on, “…the idea that African countries are poor because they do not trade amongst themselves shows lack of understanding of developing economies. Look, people from Uvira to Aru, all over Rwanda and Burundi use OMO and NOMI soap made in Nairobi and Kampala respectively. Ugandans in Mbale, Mbarara, Gulu and Arua eat Irish potatoes grown in North-Western Rwanda. Congolese in Goma and Bukavu eat cassava flour grown in Masindi in Uganda, while Scrap metal from Kibungo and Rusizi in Rwanda ends up in Kampala. So what more inter-African trade does Dr. Dambisa expect from us Africans? And the assumption that by African Ministers of Finance calling donors to say ‘we no longer need your donations’ will spur Africans to generate more wealth is copying from some people in Western countries who believe that the reason people in third world countries are poor is because they are lazy and the best way to help them is stop feeding them so they start working. No Mzungu works more than I in terms of both hours and effort and yet even if I was to work 24/7 I would never earn a tenth of what my equivalents in the developed world earn.” I prefer listening to talking when people debate because then I can tell who the moron, the dimwit and the nitwit is. However, Datiliva kept challenging me to join the fray. “…but we can sell bonds and securities on the International markets to raise capital as Moyo said,” Gatabazi was saying, “look at the Asian Tigers.” “The Asian Tigers used Cold war era Western investments basing on their geological and strategic positions,” I joined the fray. “For example the Philippines which were not under contention missed out on investments just like Laos and Myanmar. Are Koreans more Intelligent than the people of the Philippines or Haiti?” “But the latter were dictatorships and no one wants to invest in a place where the future is murky. Who will invest in places where there is no democracy?” interjected Gatabazi. “Money will follow profits,” Butera said, “dictator or not. Look at Suharto’s Indonesia and Apartheid South Africa”. “But the Dambisasian theory states that if donors closed their donations, poor Africans would demand accountability from their governments and therefore there would be more government accountability,” said Gatabazi. “Where was accountability when Zimbabweans were succumbing to cholera in Mugabe’s Zimbabwe?” Butera asked. My Dearest Datiliva feeling left out on a debate she had initiated poked me in the belly and said it was time to go home. When I tried to make a point about “Westernised” Africans like Dambisa, Datiliva grabbed me by the lapel of my jacket and hauled me out of the bar on to our tiny abode. Ends