Diaspoman: Cheap things never come easy…

This year is rushing by so fast! I am still trying to implement my New Year’s resolution. In case you have forgotten, let me reveal to you again that my resolution for this year is to find myself a bride whose first preference is a bottle of Primus. This new objective is the right one for me since I have had enough problems dealing with Kigali’s expensive ladies. These Kigali ladies do not want to focus on long term relationships. Theirs is now! That’s why they always end up guzzling several bottles of wines and Amarula whenever I take them for a serious wedding discussion. The Kigali ladies have been merciless when it comes to my weeping pockets. Even the one who claimed to be a nice born-again Christian recently showed me dust when I took her for a cozy dinner at the Italian Restaurant. I had borrowed 15k from Aggrey because I was sure that it would be sufficient for 2 plates of Pizza plus 4 bottles of Soda. I knew for sure that my Christian future bride would order a bottle of ‘Fanta Orangi’ whereas I would order for ‘Fanta Coca’. I was sure that she would have ordered for a second bottle as we wound up our dinner. As for me, I had declared to her my undying love for our dear lord and saviour. That is why I had sworn to her that booze was a foreign thing to me. But then I got a real shock of my life when my dear Christian companion placed an order for red wine; “Please bring me an Italian wine called Vino Nobile di Montepulciano”. Oh? You mean your faith allows you to taste some alcohol? The lady looked at me with a smile; “Wine is not alcohol, besides didn’t our good Lord turn water into wine?” I was no longer listening to her. All I was thinking about was the bill to come. As she bubbled on about how special Italian wines were, I continued to miserably sip on my Fanta Coca. The Pizza arrived and I just failed to eat. It was a miserable night for me since I could not taste my favourite Amstel and also since my pockets were at the verge of being arrested. I excused myself as if I was going to the toilets but instead rushed to the cashier to find out whether my 15k would be enough. The cashier told me that the bill was around 21k. I swallowed hard. I began to fidget with my phone. Then I started to beep poor Aggrey. Whenever he sees my beep, he calls back immediately because he knows that I am in some sort of trouble. Indeed, he called and I asked him to loan me another 15k just in case. Within 10 minutes, Aggrey’s driver had brought me the cash. I sat comfortably and started to find a nice exit strategy. I convinced myself that she was not my type and this pushed me further into pursuing Primus loving chicks. And that’s how I ended up paying a visit to the north-eastern part of our country. My spies had told me that this area is well known for Primus liquids. I was told that if I wanted to meet Primus drinking ladies, then this would be the right place. As usual, I borrowed Aggrey’s pick-up and drove off with a colleague from SFB. He was to act as my best man. We decided to check out the first bar at the junction which is a few kilometres away from the Ugandan border post. The place was lively and the people were in the festive mood. Indeed, my spies had been very correct. People here were hammering Primus after Primus. Even the ladies. So I spotted a prospective candidate. She was chatting away with a group of people. Her smile was perfect. I nudged my best man who seemed to approve of my choice. I moved in. When she spotted me approaching, she quickly grabbed the bottle of Primus and tried to hide it under her chair. Apparently she didn’t want me to know that she was a Primus guzzler! I also pretended as if I had seen nothing. I offered her a drink and she calmly ordered for a bottle of Fanta Sprite. Eh? What about her Primus? Now this is the type of bride that I have always been looking for. I can now safely say that my pockets will be very safe going forward. After about an hour of sipping, my future best man and I reached a conclusion; we have to inform the old men about a date for introduction. At last, Diaspoman was going to get married. Indeed, 2009 was looking very promising. In the midst of the merry making, I decided to go for a short call. I asked the barmaid about the toilets and she ushered me outside where there was a lousy small looking latrine. I bent low in order to fit inside. But as bad luck would have it, my wallet dropped out from my pocket and landed right through the hole! Ouch! I watched helplessly as my cash, ID and driving permit vanished. I guess cheap things never come easy… diaspoman@yahoo.com