Pressure about serious dating or marriage may not kick in until you come across the countless, ‘save the date’ posts on social media. You might be close to that step but haven’t completely made up your mind. Seeing others however taking the leap can make you curious about the criteria they consider when making such a big commitment. Dating isn’t easy, especially if it’s past the ‘playing good’ or ‘pleasing’ phase. Because when one’s true colours show up, then that’s when you start thinking twice on whether to stay or walk away from a relationship. Considering that there is no perfect relationship or perfect partner, what does one consider when looking for the right partner to date or marry? Innocent Kabera, a family counsellor strongly believes that there is no special formula to relationships because every individual is unique. They have their own special qualities. He says there are dozens of special personalities who deserve to be yours as research shows that each individual has a special eight million people waiting for them. However, Kabera carries on that there are common factors you can follow but these dont have to stop you from listening to your intuition, heart, gut or even Holy Spirit for the believers. Sometimes it takes time to know or see the signs you’re looking for in a person. The family counsellor points to research, showing that it takes 172 days, which is almost three months, “many say fewer and others confirm that it is longer than that but that is the average.” Check for values Different qualities can be considered in knowing whether one is for keeps or not. For instance, the number one thing is to check if your values are in alignment with theirs, but also bother to know about any habits you don’t like and decide if you can tolerate living with them with such flaws or not, the counsellor says. “Do you have a common or similar vision for the future? Because a different vision creates division, check if your love speaks in terms of “We”. Unselfish people will include you in their plans. If you’re not involved, then don’t waste much time with such a person because you may just be a phase in their lives but not a life partner,” he says. It is also important to check if your partner is confident to present you publicly; in case they find it uncomfortable or give excuses whenever you’re to appear together in public, for parties and other gatherings, then there is a problem. Kabera points out that among other crucial factors to check is if your partner will be stable enough to raise a family. But also, ensure that both of you are focused and committed to building the relationship and the future family equally. How do you compromise with each other, do you fight over petty things? Do they know how to approach you calmly when you are in any disagreement? The counsellor says that the person you’re not afraid to be yourself with when you are together or, sacrifices to make you happy and is available in the good and bad times, is worth marrying or giving a chance. “Find out their commitments, how they communicate; if they’re not open, that’s a red flag already. If they are always perfect and escape hard discussions, then they arent ready to show their true selves, they are just clingy and playing with you.” In her article, ‘9 signs the person you’re dating is right for you,’ author and writer Olivia Petter highlights that the right person for you will empower you to be your most confident self. She notes that the key to any successful relationship is compromise and the way you are able to compromise and negotiate with a partner should be a key indicator of how well suited you are. “If you find it easy to meet in the middle when you are in disagreement about something, you know your partner is a keeper,” Petter states. She also writes that a good partner will listen attentively to everything you have to say, regardless of how boring it might seem to you and you must make sure you’re both going in the same direction in terms of your life goals and your core values.
