E = MC squared

It is common in Kigali to hear “that girl is really dynamic, she could be head of department but she’s missing a piece of jewellery.” What jewellery? And they point to the ring finger “if she was married she’d be a minister by now.” Which begs the question “if she’s good enough, then isn’t that enough?” What difference does a ring make? Then there is the paradox that the same young lady is worked 12-16 hours a day and is expected to find time to find Mr. Perfect. The myth behind this is that a married person is less selfish, more stable, and responsible but the majority of married men in Kigali disprove this myth. Maybe it is because there is hot competition for good jobs that such criteria are necessary but it is a shameless waste of talent. So there is a massive pool of Power-women hoping to latch onto a man to complete the criteria required to fill the top job. You see them at parties in high society eying you like a hunk of meat at the butchers; when they talk to you it is like a job interview “what would you say are your biggest weaknesses, where do you see yourself in 5 years?” You have to have your answers ready, “My biggest weakness is I hate commitment and I see myself in 5 years with another women other than yourself.” Marriage in Kigali is a dirty game, much like mud-wrestling; it is hard to get a grip and people get hurt. There is a complex formula to finding the right partner, it is pretty similar to the old formulas I learnt in economics; total assets minus total liabilities = perfect man. You calculate the assets looks x family connections x job prospects/cash. Then the liabilities History x enemies x character flaws x debts. Sometimes the girl wants to marry your family and you are just an adaptor to plug her into your family network. Your family can be really upset and take a break up quite badly “But we liked her, she had everything. Who is going to help me do my taxes? You shouldn’t have been so selfish.” Why don’t you marry her then? She could do your taxes all day, problem solved. Sometimes these power-women can hunt you like a she’s a lioness and you a helpless gazelle. I was once sat at home after a long day, drowsy from a heavy dinner when there was a bang at the door. When I looked there was a Black Schwarzenegger in sunglasses, he was obviously former military by his size and demeanour. I wondered if I had offended any powerful people, as I can often be rude but I couldn’t remember making any enemies that week. He banged harder and harder and I was running out of options; I am not a small chap, 6’3 and 100 kg but this guy was trained in the lethal arts, so the back door was inviting. The phone rang “Hi, it’s me, is Bosco there yet?” she said. Oh you mean that murderous thug outside my door? Yeah he’s here. “He’s harmless, but he just has a rough attitude, I sent him to pick you up for the party.” I have never felt so humiliated as I opened the door “Hi I’m Bosco, Madam sent me to pick you up.” I sat quietly as I waited to be delivered to the lady; when I arrived I was surprised to see her just giggling like a little girl with all her friends giggling as well. I saw her there in her big house, with a big car, with a big smile but something was missing; a piece of the jigsaw to fill a big whole in her heart. Her fellow lionesses roared and growled under their breath, one even pulled me aside and forewarned not to try any “funny business” and there was the ever-present threat of Bosco hospitalising me, so all in all it wasn’t an enticing prospect. To see her at work was to see Ms. Jekyll, she destroyed men for a living; she had to be tougher than a man, more ruthless than a man, and above all, she had to be heartless. And yet she was supposed to switch her personality and be soft as silk, as delicate as a twig, as trusting as a child and loving as a mother. For all her domination of the male world she had to be superior to men when all she wanted was equality. And so the final formula Equality = Marriage of Convenience Squared ramaisibo@hotmail.com