Getting engaged must be one of the most exciting things when planning for marriage; you think about the future and are so thrilled about the transition. You and your partner are so much in love you can barely wait to spend the rest of your lives together. Much as all of this is endearing, at this stage, marital experts and counsellors say it’s important to contemplate on how set you are, or better yet, how well you can prepare for this big step. When Fiona Ashimwe was getting married last year, she recalls fidgeting at the last minute doubting if she was prepared for what she was about to commit to. She was well aware of how much she and her then fiancée loved each other, but was she prepared enough to make it work? “We had seen a pre-marital counsellor, but I asked myself if those sessions were enough for what I was going for.” She says marriage has taught her that love alone isn’t always enough, and that one has to be emotionally mature and determined to stick it out with their partner no matter what. “Of course you can never prepare enough, a lot happens when two people choose to stay and build a life together. But you need to do a lot of work on yourself and the relationship. You need to have conversations earlier in the relationship and make bold decisions about things that are going to build a foundation for your marriage; your beliefs, finances, family and all that,” she says. The dating and engagement phase can be so enjoyable that some couples forget to put in necessary work required to lay the foundation of a stable marriage. Saying ‘I do’ is not a spell DeVon Franklin, an American Hollywood producer, best-selling author and motivational speaker, says one of the keys to getting ready for marriage is to clean up your house. He says marriage is not a magic wand; adding that ‘I do’ is not a spell. “I will say, when you say ‘I do’, you absolutely feel differently. It’s a move of the spirit, its changed transition. The moment I said ‘I do’, I felt differently, however what I realised is the discipline that I had while I was dating and cleaning up my life and really trying to get ready for whatever God had next.” He deems it important to begin laying the foundation of discipline and sacrifice while you are single. When you are single, everything revolves around you and when you are married it doesn’t always. Learn to include others in your decision-making process and get yourself ready to handle different points of view, he says. Wilbur Bushara, a husband and medic, says before preparing for marriage, you need to understand what it is in the first place. Know why you are getting married and understand the kind of person you want to settle with. A marriage preparation starts with in you; how much you’re willing to invest in it, how much you’re willing to forgive because whoever you choose to marry, know that they will have a weakness, he says. “Only God does not have a weakness. So if you focus on your spouse’s weakness, you can’t get the best out of his strength. Everyone has a dark history, no one is an angel. When you get married or you want to get married, stop digging into someone’s past. What matters most is the present life of your partner. Old things have passed away. Forgive and forget. Focus on the present and the future,” Bushara says. He points out that it’s crucial to understand that every marriage has its own challenges, noting that marriage is not a bed of roses; every good marriage has gone through its own test of blazing fire. For him, true love is proved in times of challenges. Fight for your marriage. Make up your mind to stay with your spouse in times of need. Remember the vow for better for worse, in sickness and in health, and be there. “Be ready not to compare your marriage with anyone else’s. Every marriage has different levels of success. We can never be equal. Some will be far, some behind. To avoid marriage stress, be patient, work hard and with time, your marriage dreams will come true.” Communication is key With better communication, experts believe that certain issues can be avoided, especially if couples make it a priority to discuss their expectations about married life before tying the knot. Recommended topics for discussion include finances, kids, religion, careers, and intimacy among others. Franklin is of the view that, a lot of times we just focus on the feeling of love independent of the process to actually live. And that process of living is really what helps your love grow in marriage. “I would encourage you, if you’re single to really allow a discourse with other people. Can you get your point across without getting mad? Can you have a civil discussion where you may disagree? Those are key areas where I would encourage you to start preparing yourself because they will absolutely lead to a successful marriage,” Franklin says. Be ready to fight to maintain your marriage To get married is declaring war, according to Bushara. When you get married you must declare war against enemies of marriage. Some enemies of marriage are; ignorance, lack of prayer, inability to forgive, third party influence, stinginess, and stubbornness, lack of love, rudeness, laziness, disrespect and infidelity. “Marriage is hard work. Volunteer yourself to work daily on it. Getting married is taking a huge risk. You cannot predict what will happen in the future. Situations may change so leave room for adjustments. Husband can lose his job or you may fail to have babies. All these require you to be prayerful otherwise you might divorce,” Bushara says. According to Christine Ayebare, a cashier and mother-of-two, there are factors a person needs to put first, and though love is among them, it’s not the most crucial factor. “When you understand this, it then becomes easier to choose a marriage partner. My husband and I had to make our values clear before we made the decision of getting married. I also worked on my character believing that whatever flaws and strengths I had, I had to be more aware of them since they had capacity to affect my marriage in one way or another,” she says. Franklin shares that some couples just focus on love but he reminds them to look at other issues such as how and whether a person can hold a conversation and still have their emotions in check. “Love is one thing but you still need to have conversations, to negotiate meaning you have to work through others’ opinions, if you can’t handle other’s opinions and you’re single, how are you going to handle your spouse’s opinion in marriage? That may seem like a very practical thing because it is.”
