It’s a good feeling to love and be loved, unfortunately, not so many relationships happily stand the test of time. What was once fun, starts fading, with couples drifting apart—leading to the question, is there a future with this person? Whether casually dating, in an exclusive relationship or even married, there may come a time when people wonder if they still make sense as a couple. However, in her article ‘6 Signs you’re growing apart from your partner’, Stacey Laura Lloyd cautions that things aren’t always as they seem, however, there are indicators that you may be drifting apart. “Maybe things just seem off, difficult, or forced when you’re together, or maybe you’re finding it harder to imagine a future with your significant other. When you start having these kinds of thoughts and doubts, it’s important to realize that the disconnect might not be all in your head,” Lloyd writes. “If you’re wondering if you’re growing apart from your partner, one of the clear signs is that you’re no longer interested in and/or paying attention to them when you’re spending time together. You may find that your mind wanders when they’re talking, you don’t pay attention to the particulars or details they mention to you, and you choose to focus on your phone or on the TV in order to avoid having to listen to them. “Another key indicator that you’re growing apart from your partner is that you no longer want to go out of your way for this person. While you used to perform random acts of kindness, do special favors, or engage in activities and attend functions that are important to them, you no longer feel the need to do anything that puts their needs first. When you don’t truly care about your partner’s feelings, wants, and desires, you should pay attention to your own feelings and recognize that you might be drifting apart.” Ritah Birungi Mwiza, a counsellor in Kigali, says that when it comes to marriage, boredom is likely due to routine, and keeping a marriage exciting requires energy from both parties. She says that trauma pushes couples apart, for instance, the loss of a job, or worse, a child. A situation can hit one so hard that they decide to isolate themselves since people handle distress differently. Without counselling, a couple could feel irritated by each other’s presence. Mwiza adds that sometimes it’s selfishness that makes a relationship hard, this is because one partner is on the receiving end and the other on the giving side. When one tries their best to give, at a certain point, they lose the will to continue doing so as they are not receiving the same energy in return. “Love also fades when partners have different opinions on almost everything, fail to make time for each other, cheat, lack communication, are violent, tackle struggles individually, instead of finding a solution together to fix the problem, and so forth,” she says. According to Benjamin Zulu, a life coach and psychologist, everyone has a future they dream of. Once you are with someone who has no plans, or even if they differ, it’s hard to stay together. He highlights that intentions also matter, as there are people who find themselves in relationships for the benefits—probably for money, attention, company and so forth. Such relationships lack a solid foundation. Zulu says if it looks like someone is ‘addicted to you’, like a pill or drug, run! Some people even threaten to kill themselves if you leave them. He encourages being with someone who knows how to be alone. “Being single doesn’t mean isolation, you must interact with people. If you meet the right one and prepare for the journey together, that’s just the beginning. Get to know their vision through their lifestyles. “Dreams are the biggest killer of marriages as people sacrifice their careers to be with their partners and deep down feel angry, as they start seeing you as the cause of all their problems,” he says. According to Psychology Today, there are many reasons why couples drift apart and become disconnected. Sometimes it springs from resentment and disappointment stored up over the course of the relationship. There can be hardships, such as financial difficulties or personal problems that make it difficult to see beyond our own circumstances. “In some cases, it’s the result of the trajectory of our lives. Partners might get along just fine, but their lives had taken different paths. So, while the relationship is not confrontational, partners are just not connected to each other. Sometimes partners may not even be aware that they have drifted apart. Preoccupations with day-to-day living issues can mask the fact.”
