It is always great to have someone to go through life with, a companion to share life’s ups and downs with. However, you never know which turn the relationship will take. Relationships require a lot to be successful, they are built upon shared values, beliefs and goals. They do, however, also require trust, reliability, respect, honesty, patience and loyalty, to mention a few. Healthy relationships don’t just happen, they are the result of collaboration from two willing parties. Sadly, sometimes even seemingly strong relationships take a wrong turn, and people might not even know that someone close to them is in an abusive relationship. Experts say abuse normally starts light, it starts with a snide remark disguised as a joke, the goes to full-blown insults and sometimes, violence. The abuse can happen anywhere, and to anyone, and is not limited to romantic relationships only. Sometimes, we may notice the signs but ignore them. Dr Cindi Cassady, a clinical psychologist, says that abusive relationships have many types, and are not only physical like many people think. “Not all abusive relationships involve physical violence. Just because you’re not beaten and bruised doesn’t mean you’re not being abused. Many women and men suffer from emotional abuse, which is no less destructive. Unfortunately, emotional abuse is often minimised or overlooked—even by the person experiencing it, the scars of emotional abuse are very real and they run deep,” she says. But the question remains, why do some people choose to stay in abusive relationships? “Leaving an abusive relationship is one of the toughest things someone will ever do. It makes you feel uncertain. You’ll inevitably doubt yourself,” Dr Perpetua Neo, a clinical psychologist, says in her article “9 Signs You’re Ready To Leave Your Abusive Relationship”, adding, “Your abuser will notice you regaining your strength, separating from them. It will unsettle them, and the abusive behaviour will heighten. They will make you pay for daring to shine or for having the audacity to stand up to them. But as you stand firm in the wisdom of who you are, rooted in self-respect, you will become stubborn. Fight for your stubbornness. Fight for your future. Writing from the other side, I can tell you it’ll be one of the best decisions you’ll ever make.” Denise Uwera says that she experienced emotional abuse from her mother. “Many people tend to think that abuse is only among couples, but believe me, even your own family can abuse you. I have been psychologically abused by my mother since childhood. I grew up to understand the emotional pain she was causing me, she did it through words, public embarrassment and many other ways, of course, I grew up thinking it was okay since she is my mother.” Uwera only understood there was something seriously wrong with the way her mother treated her when she had a conversation with a friend who is a psychologist, and she made her see that her mother was emotionally abusing her. She also realised that had been bottling up the pain, believing that her mother’s behaviour was normal. Alan Manzi is of the view that someone who values you in their life can’t abuse you. “If I started abusing my partner, or even my friends or co-workers, I can’t say I love them. When you care about someone you don’t hurt them,” he says. Dr Cassady says that in an abusive or violent relationship there are always the little signs, “There are many signs of an abusive relationship, and a fear of your partner, friend, boss, or family member, is the most important sign. If you feel like you have to walk on eggshells around them—constantly watching what you say and do in order to avoid a blow-up—chances are your relationship is unhealthy and abusive. Other signs include belittling or shaming you or trying to control you.” Experts recommend asking yourself these few questions if you feel your relationship is becoming abusive: Do you: • feel afraid of someone most of the time? • avoid certain topics out of fear of angering your partner? • feel that you can’t do anything right for your partner? • believe that you deserve to be hurt or mistreated? • wonder if you’re the one who is crazy? Do they: • humiliate or yell at you? • criticise you and put you down? • monitor what you wear? • control your finances or won’t let you work? • threaten to commit suicide if you leave? • have temper issues? Your relationship might not be physically abusive, but emotional, and you might not know. Although some people tend to remain in abusive relationships out of fear of many things that can happen if they leave, experts advise leaving if things are wrong in your relationship. However much communication is the best approach to solve issues and make things right, Dr Cassady says, “It is usually better for the person being abused to avoid confronting their abuser. It’s likely that she’s already told him she wants him to change and the cycle of abuse continues and often the violence or abuse increases. If she can go to a friend or family member who can intervene on her behalf, it can be better.” She says that talking to a family member or someone close to you about the abuse helps, it is fine but if you feel you can’t get the help or support that you need from family members or friends, please don’t hesitate to contact a mental health professional. “A relationship is something that is safe, supportive, trusting, and respectful. Abuse is not any of these things; it’s about power and control. It IS possible to love someone and, at the same time, realise that they aren’t a safe or healthy person to be around. We all deserve to be safe, respected, and truly loved,” Dr Cassady adds.
