People pleasing is a habit that makes people feel low of themselves but high of others. People pleasers often act the way they do because of their insecurities and lack of self-esteem. In most cases, people pleasers need praise to feel good. When they can’t make it, they would rather say “yes” and suffer but not reject offering any service, time or resources. They also apologise often even when it’s not necessary or they are not at fault. Such people also fear expressing themselves for fear of how others would react, they would rather feel hurt, than hurt others. In brief, they care about others’ happiness more than their own. Many people-pleasers confuse pleasing people with kindness. When discussing their reluctance to turn down someone’s request for a favour, they say things like, “I don’t want to be selfish,” or “I just want to be a good person.” Consequently, they allow others to take advantage of them, according to Psychology Today. Vlogger Flavia Tumusiime has been a victim of people pleasing, in her recently weekly vlog, she expresses some of the signs of people pleasers, which include, feeling inadequate about yourself, your to-do-list to be full of others programmes, hating confrontation, worrying about others than yourself, suffering to see others happy, among others. She adds that if you want people to like you and feel that doing things for them will earn their approval, you take the blame even when something isn’t your fault, you never have any free time because you’re always doing things for other people, you pretend to agree with people even though you feel differently, and you fear that turning people down will make them think you’re mean. She says, you can handle this habit by holding back from expressing yourself, not to say sorry without no context, rather, to say sorry when you mean it. According to Very Well Mind, people-pleasing isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Being a concerned and caring person is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships with loved ones. It becomes a problem if you are trying to win approval in order to shore up weak self-esteem and pursue the happiness of others at the expense of your own emotional well-being. “If you’re devoting all of your time to helping others in order to make them happy and win their approval, you might experience anger and frustration, anxiety and stress, depleted willpower, lack of authenticity and weaker relationships.” In a book titled “Boundaries” by Henry Cloud and John Townsend, the authors say that having clear boundaries is essential to a healthy, balanced lifestyle. A boundary is a personal property line that marks those things for which we are responsible. In other words, boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Boundaries affect all areas of our lives. Physical boundaries help us determine who may touch us and under what circumstances, and mental boundaries give us the freedom to have our own thoughts and opinions. Emotional boundaries, the authors say, help us deal with our own emotions and disengage from the harmful, manipulative emotions of others. Harriet B. Braiker’s book, dubbed “The Disease to Please” highlights that people who say “yes”, when they really want to say “no”, should discover what type of people-pleaser they are. Then learn how making even small changes to any single portion of the ‘Disease to Please Triangle’—involving their thoughts, feelings, and behaviour—will cause a dramatic, positive, and long-lasting change to the overall syndrome. According to Connie Hatch, the co-author of the book “How to Say No Without Feeling Guilty”, one of the strategies to say no, is to keep it simple. Resist the urge to over explain. Simple responses such as “Sorry, I can’t this time” or “I am afraid I will be busy that day” are most effective. The more details you offer, the more there will be to argue about. The other person may try to change your mind or decide that your excuse isn’t good enough. She also notes that you should expand your definition of “I have plans”. Many women feel they can’t turn down an invitation unless they have another engagement on the calendar. But if you have scheduled downtime for yourself, that is an engagement. So don’t be afraid to say, “Sorry, I have plans.”
