No one begins work each day with the intention of upsetting everyone and creating conflict and mayhem. Well, maybe there is one ex-boss that I can think of … Most normal professionals are just trying to do the best they can - particularly in this very challenging Coronavirus period – but sometimes they make mistakes, miscommunicate and do not realize the full impact that their words and actions may have. Even such a simple phrase as “you like nice today” may be meant as a compliment by a male leader but may be heard as patronizing by a female colleague, who would prefer to be recognized for what she does rather than how she looks. A simple test of whether such a remark is okay is for the male leader to ask himself if he would say the same thing to a well-dressed male colleague? Hopefully, such a difference of opinion could be resolved quickly but if it’s a symptom of deeper sexism issues, it may require what is called a “difficult conversation”. There are many excellent models - such as “Crucial Conversations or “Nonviolent Communication” - which unfortunately can take a lot of time and money to learn. Instead, this columnist has developed the much simpler and free “PASSIO” model, based on the work of Jonamay Lambert and Selma Myers. PASSIO is an acronym for Prepare, Ask, Share, State, Invite and Outline. Many leaders either avoid or rush into difficult conversations and this can create more problems. Unless there is an emergency, you should carefully Prepare what you want to say and anticipate possible responses. This may take 10 minutes, two hours or two weeks, depending on how important the conversation will be and how much you have invested in the outcome. If the stakes are high, consult a trusted colleague or mentor to help you get ready. Once you are prepared, approach the other person involved and Ask for a mutually agreeable time and private, safe place for dialogue. Avoid public spaces where other people could overhear your discussion. Begin by Sharing your observations of what has happened as objectively as possible. Stick to the facts, preferably witnessed by others. Then you can calmly State - but don’t express - your personal feelings in relation to these observations. This can carry a lot of weight as it shows how much you are personally affected by what has happened and how it can be resolved. Even better, no one can deny these expressions of objective truth and subjective emotion. Once these initial statements are made, then you can Invite the other person to share their perspective and ideas and discuss things openly before giving any opinions or recommendations. And lastly, you can both Outline a common approach and agree on concrete, measurable steps to deal with the issue. Make sure to follow up. Here is an example of how a brief difficult conversation might go, using stages 2-6 of the PASSIO model: Part 1– Chris, do you have time to speak before the weekend? There’s something I would like to discuss with you. – Sure, Alex. Today at 4 pm? – Yes – What do you want to talk about? – Your request for a pay raise and promotion … Part 2– Thanks for meeting with me now, Chris. Is this still a good time to talk? – Yes. I’m keen to hear what you have to say. – I’ve seen you make a lot of progress in the two years that you’ve been here and you must be very proud of the work that you have been doing lately. – Yes. I really enjoy my work and I appreciate all the support and guidance you’ve given me. – Unfortunately, I have to tell you now that the executive team did not approve your pay raise or promotion at this time. They blame it on Corona but I am still very disappointed for you. You deserve more. – This is quite a shock, Alex. I wonder if it’s just Corona? Do I have a future here? – Yes, you do as long as I am here. I really value you and would hate to lose you. – I appreciate that and I am still upset. – I can perfectly understand this, Chris. Please take the weekend to think things through and let’s meet again on Monday afternoon to discuss how you can further develop your career here and make yourself the top candidate for recognition once Corona is under control. – I truly thank you for believing in me and helping me … Clearly, it seems much easier when you don’t have to lead such a tough conversation yourself but that is why the first preparation stage is so crucial. Give yourself the best chance to achieve an acceptable - if not ideal - outcome. The views expressed in this column are entirely those of the writer who can be reached at jeremy@jeremysolomons.com
