Diaspoman: Why Aggrey and I are set to cook on Sunday

After the debacle that Aggrey faced on valentine’s night when two different chicks slapped him on his cheeks, we sat down to re-strategize. You may recall that Aggrey took his girlfriend for a romantic valentine’s diner to propose for a hand in marriage. You may also recall that he had equipped himself with beautiful red roses plus a bottle of red wine. He had also carried with him an expensive diamond engagement ring. But as Aggrey was on the verge of proposing to his future bride, another lady stormed into this hideout. Aggrey had already dropped on bended knee and that is why he could not find the right stability when the intruder gave him a nice hot slap on his right cheek. The intruder claimed that she was the rightful valentine and that Aggrey was cheating on her! When Aggrey finally regained his stability, he attempted to explain to the two irate ladies. His stability was not spared this time as his girlfriend also gave him a nice hot slap on his left cheek. The two ladies seemed to have struck some sort of unholy alliance and they were seen speeding away in a Taxi. Aggrey was left all alone to nurse his burning cheeks. He then rang me seeking advice from Diaspoman himself. Being his unofficial handbag, spokesman and advisor, I told him to stay put until I arrived at the scene. In my heart, I was a little bit pleased because I had been silently against the idea of the engagement dinner. Besides, I was the one to benefit if Aggrey remained single. In my heart, I believed that whenever Aggrey hangs out with the buddies, I tend to benefit more by consuming large quantities of Amstel at the expense of his pocket. I told myself that when Aggrey got serious with his girlfriend, one thing would lead to another. That is to say that once the girl got official authority to be the madam of Aggrey, then serious cost cutting would ensue. This would also imply that Diaspoman would no longer enjoy all the free Amstels and Heinekens that come along freely when Aggrey is madam-less. This could also mean that Aggrey’s madam could kick me out from their Nyarutarama villa in the name of privacy. I could picture her screaming at the top of her voice “Do you think that this is a lodge? Are you not man enough to pay rent for your own apartment? If you are not out of this place in three hours, I will call the police to evict you!” With those unpleasant words ringing at the back of my mind, I realised more than ever that I would be the winner if Aggrey remained single for life. So when Aggrey called me up, I quickly hopped onto a boda-boda and headed straight to the Kiyovu restaurant. I found him cuddled up in a corner in a miserable state. He had floored the whole bottle of Red wine and was now ordering for Jack Daniels whiskey. Since I was already so thirsty, I ordered for an ice cold Amstel. I first gulped down the whole bottle before uttering one word. Now that my body had received that much needed fuel, I was ready to start my engine. I began by apologizing to Aggrey; “Please forgive me for having not advised you about ladies. You see, they are not the answer to all our problems. You see, you are better off as a single man. Besides, you have many reliable friends to keep you company. Even me I have resisted from the idea of looking for my own house because I know that you will be very lonely. That is why I have always stayed at your house”. The truth of the matter is that I put up in Aggrey’s house because I have remained jobless for several years since I returned from the Diaspora. While Aggrey was pondering on my advice, some other ladies in the room came marching towards our direction. Apparently they had overheard my comments about ladies. They had a bone to pick with me. “Do you know that we can have you arrested Mister? How can you claim that ladies are not the answer to your problems? Are you a male chauvinist?” I started to fidget. I had no choice but to apologize. And as a sign of my sincere plea for mercy, Aggrey and I promised the ladies that we would stay at home and cook all the food while our ‘wives’ went out to celebrate the International Women’s Day (which is today) – as if we had any ladies at all! But hey, we were let off the hook! Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com