Diaspoman: When Mr. Valentine faced double trouble

During the Valentine’s month of February, my buddy Aggrey decided that things had become elephant for him. He had realized that time had come for him to get serious with his girlfriend on Valentine’s night. I had all along looked forward to fulfilling my duties as Aggrey’s official handbag. You see, whenever Aggrey is invited for a high class function, I am always there with him for the sole purpose of poaching. That is also why I will be seen clinging on to Aggrey as if I was his handbag. And in the process, my poaching skills would enable me fill my tummy with ice cold Amstels. But on valentine’s night, Aggrey surprised me when he told me to stay behind. I was surprised because usually Aggrey tends to dodge his girlfriends whenever such special occasions occur. He claims that girlfriends do not give him the breathing space that he would normally require while in the presence of several other beauties. Whenever he is out partying with friends, his head starts to behave like a car wiper. He will be seen turning his head from left to right at breakneck speed. This is because of the many chicks criss-crossing, leaving behind a sweet smelling perfume. So when Aggrey’s head starts to dance around like a car wiper, his girlfriend becomes restless and possessive. Her reaction to such a situation is not to leave the area in total defeat. She does not retreat to a corner to shed tears. No way! Instead she positions her elbow in a strategic angle before shoving it deep into Aggrey’s rib cage. When her sharp elbow hits Aggrey under his diaphragm, he tries not to make a scene. Instead he slowly sneaks away to the toilets in case he has to throw up. In such circumstances, I try to distance myself further from the couple. I just head for the nearest counter to do more justice on the Amstels. With this kind of treatment, Aggrey will always try to dodge his girlfriend. He would start off by switching off his mobile phone. Naturally, the girl would try to hunt him down. Her next step would be to ring Diaspoman himself. “Oh sorry but Aggrey received an urgent call and he had to fly out to Nairobi on short notice. You mean you have not yet received his SMS?” Then the girl would retort by barking stinging orders at me. “Why the hell did you not inform me earlier? Are you not his escort? When he comes back, I will make sure he gives you the sack”. At this point, she would hang up on me. Anyways, on Valentine’s night Aggrey decided that it was time for him to propose. Unlike a decade ago when Aggrey and I dashed to Kisimenti for a bottle of Ribena juice, this time Aggrey bought a real bottle of red wine whose name I can hardly pronounce. When I tried to pronounce the name of this sophisticated red wine, I ended up chewing my tongue. I still feel the pain from those tongue wounds! Aggrey also brought along a vase of red roses. He then enclosed a diamond ring and started practicing on how to propose. He then tuned his TV set to watch the Oprah Winfrey show. After several lectures from Oprah on how to propose to a lady, Aggrey set off for his mission. I understand that his mission started off quite well at a cozy joint here in Kigali . Aggrey and his girlfriend enjoyed the cool breeze and some romantic music in the background. At the opportune moment, Aggrey pulled out the vase of red roses. “This is for you my special valentine”. Before his girlfriend could absorb it in, Aggrey pulled out the bottle of red wine. The girl was getting overwhelmed. Then the real moment arrived. Aggrey pulled out the engagement ring. It was now time to break the ice. Aggrey was on the verge of proposing. But just as he prepared to kneel down before his chick, pandemonium ensued. From nowhere, another tough looking girl came marching towards Aggrey. Before Aggrey could duck backwards, the intruder gave him a hot slap on his right cheek. “How dare you treat me like this? Did you not promise to be my valentine? Where is my engagement ring?” Aggrey was in trouble. He had arranged to please one girl at the expense of another. Now Mr. Valentine was losing both of them. As his first girlfriend picked her handbag to flee in tears, she made sure that justice was done. That is why she also gave Aggrey another hot slap. This time it was on his left cheek. Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com