The list of the richest musicians in the world is out, courtesy of Forbes magazine, that institution venerable for counting other people’s money, and the top two positions are taken by Taylor Swift and Kanye West. Kanye West is so rich that the only person who can lend him a dime is Taylor Swift. We should all gasp, grimace and grin at this. Let me explain. First of all, there is no need to explain that Kanye is wealthy. If you saw the latest photos of him spray-painted in silver, you would agree that that is the sort of thing one does when one has more money than things to do with it. He looked like a big fat indagara (small silverfish) admittedly, but that just proves the point further. He is the sort of chap who has more money than taste. It was his costume for an opera he is performing called Mary. My research department says it is a Christmas play with music, and they advise against pursuing the question any further, as the risk of another indagara appearing rises exponentially the more you inquire. But that is not the reason Kanye is so rich. He is a musician, but that is not the reason he is so rich either. He is also a shoe salesman — he sells sneakers called Yeezys. Each pair looks hideous and wearing one would make your foot feel ashamed and wish it were a hoof instead. Because hooves are not subjected to such indignity. Kanye’s shoe business recently signed a deal with Adidas that was worth a lot of money. Enough to make him surpass Beyoncé’s bank balance. Adidas make nice shoes. Perhaps they stepped in, excuse the pun, to help Kanye sell better-looking footwear. Very charitable of them. Taylor herself is rich because of her endorsements, and also her music. Her most recent tour earned her more money than everyone else in the world, apparently, which is nice. She didn’t even have to make a shoe, though it would have been amusing if she crafted a few shirts and blouses so we could make the joke about her being a swift tailor. Perhaps she will do so next year. There is always hope. Now for the part where I explain why you should place your hands between your collarbones and say “wow”. Taylor and Kanye have been sort of nemeses for years. It all began when she won an MTV Video Music award 10 years ago. As she strode up to the podium to thank us all, up leapt Kanye West, spright as a jackass that had consumed too much of the cocaine it was supposed to be smuggling across a border. He grabbed the microphone away and rapped his most famous lyric: “I’ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had the greatest album of all time!” Really. Who does that to a little girl on her award day? Shame, Kanye. Shame. On a song after that, Kanye rapped that he was so attractive that even after such a display, even after attempting so crassly to humiliate her, he and Taylor could still have sex one day. By then he was married and when Taylor expressed shock and umbrage at this song, Kanye’s wife, Kim West, leaked a recording of a phone call in which Kanye asked her permission to make the song and she agreed. The mess was as messed as the rest of Kanye West. By the way, Kanye fans, are you angry at this article yet? Well, I am a hater. Take solace in the fact that I am not even one of his most illustrious haters. He said hater n*** marry hater b*** and have hater kids. I myself am broke and lonely and failed a paternity test last month. So excuse me, was I saying something? I can’t tell him nothing. Taylor also said haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate so both of them leave me no choice. Meanwhile the sixth place, after Ed Sheeran, Elton John, and The Eagles was taken by Jay-Z and Beyoncé who tied with their $81 million apiece and you can’t hate on Sheeran, Elton and Beyoncé so I have to close here. Haters gonna hate, but only so much.
