Impressions: Letter to Alfie Patten

I am so incensed by this 13 year Old Boy. What is his name? Yes, Alfie Patten, the naughty English Boy who shamelessly decided to do what adults do at only 12 and eventually became a Dad at 13. Hullo Pat, For God’s sake somebody tell me what is happening to the world! Now you boy, young as you are, how did you even think of crossing the path, we, your big brothers haven’t dared to? You must be out of your mind. At first I wanted to blame that Girl Chantelle (15) she could have lured you to bed especially when you were playing the ‘hide and seek’ game. But then I realised that it can’t be true! You are indeed responsible and aware of your actions, that’s why you have gone ahead to kiss the Baby mwaaa…all the time, just like all fathers do. You are such a bad kid. When children are playing hide and seek, they can even hide under the bed or under the blanket like Chantelle did, but I swear if all kids were to find their hiding fellows just like you did, we would be having twice the population in the World today. That’s not the way they play hide and seek! While other children were playing children’s games, you were seriously imitating your Dad; I wonder whether you are just 13 as you claim. I suggest that as you go for the DNA test which you are determined to do, to confirm to the whole world that the Baby is truly a reward of your ‘hard work’, also consider doing an age test because 13 year old boys with a Baby face like you do not, even in their wildest dreams, imagine of crossing the line just like you. You even have the guts to confess to us that you don’t know the cost of Nappies? Are you kidding me? How dare you know how to recreate (Play Adult games)? Have you ever heard a story of toothless man who bought meat for dinner? He never had the dinner. Kids of your age stick to video games, not bedroom games!Just like you, you shouldn’t have dared to produce a kid of your own without even knowing how much the milk your Dad feeds you on costs. You are such a disgrace to your age mates! I am not really being envious because you beat me to the finish line of fatherhood despite me having lived twice your age, no the problem is, you cheated to get there. While we your big brothers chose to run the whole course till we reach the finish line, you decided to take a moto ride and true, you got there before us. Truth is, while I try much not to envy you, you must be a really sharp lad! I hahaad the way you managed to hit the target, just like that! Your father would be very proud of you if it were the traditional African society of yore. He would actually give you a ‘high five’ and cows of your own…..Big Boy. Ends