Jay-Z is the first dollar billionaire rapper in the world, says Forbes, which, it turned out, to my surprise, was not just a listicle website which enumerates other people’s money, but also has articles and news and other journalism in it. I could have read the articles relating to this revelation, but I am not here to give you a detailed breakdown of the news. There are real reporters at The New Times for this. I’m here to be light, facetious, and frivolous, and present the simple explanation. Why is Jay-Z a billionaire? Let’s start at the beginning. First of all, you need to go to YouTube and search the words “Hawaiian Sophie”. Just do it. Are you done? That was corny, wasn’t it? Heh heh. It was his first rap video. You can barely recognise him there—he looks like a wholesome, family-friendly nineties pop rapper. Who knew what evil he’d do when he got a little bigger? Jay-Z, or Shawn Carter as his momma said he was when the birth certificate people questioned her on the matter, was reputed to be the best rapper alive during the early years of his career, which were the late nineties. He completely shed the “Hawaiian Sophie” shorts and morphed, like a puppy into werewolf, into one of those gangsta rappers. He made his first album about shooting people, selling drugs, and having a lot of casual sex with women who let him call them rude names. This album was and still is regarded a rap classic because rap music, unlike journalism, is mostly judged by style, not substance. And his casual wanton violence, his casual rampant criminality, his casual blatant misogyny were really well-worded. Carter played rhymes and assonance and litotes and alliteration and puns and various other literal devices whose names only people doing MA degrees in linguistics can name. He said horrible things but he said them in very clever ways. A lot of people were impressed. He did this again on another record. And another. And another. He had a series of albums that were all rehashes on the same themes, but at the same time, all similarly clever in the delivery, like deep-fried lard laced with nicotine served in a gourmet fashion. It’s bad for your health but the presentation! The presentation, man! It’s soooo pretty, it is so prettily said that you find yourself actually enjoying a song about “dope-dealing” and “popping off caps in them haters”. This was the nineties. An entirely different time from now. In the nineties people actually made money from selling music. As opposed to now when we don’t buy CDs, our teenage kids don’t even know what a CD is, and for every million times we stream a song the artiste gets like a nickel, a nickel being a unit of American currency so insignificant my research department ‘sucked their teeth’ at me when I asked them for a clear figure in Francs. I tried to remind them who is boss, but they told me that is the exact response Google gave them when they asked. “Mswwwwww” was the response. They tried, “I’m feeling lucky.” Response? “Then why are you looking for nickels?” Since piracy, streaming and the adulthood of millennials drained the album industry of its lifeblood, Z has put out three more albums. That should not really make him a billionaire. Especially considering that they were quite rubbish. The lyrics are dull, and you can’t be a 40-year-old man still telling us the same stories about how you used to sell drugs decades ago. All the other old rappers grew up. (Except Eminem whose last album was so juvenile, he clearly fulfilled his own prophecy and grew down). So whence the billions, if he is not making them from selling rap? Well, unlike other rappers of his era, Z did not squander what money he made when rap was still making money. Also, unlike other rappers of his era, he did not get sho--- wait. Is that too dark? Is it too soon to make a Pac and Biggie reference? He put a lot of money into other businesses. For example, clothing line Roc-A-Wear which was very popular in the early 00s. Though that doesn’t satisfy your questions about making him a billionaire. There were quite a few hip hop clothing lines back then and none of their founders are on Forbes list with Z. He has Tidal, the music streaming service. That could count for something, except, well, streaming companies that, unlike Tidal, actually have subscribers are still in the red. What about music concerts? He has had a couple of sell-out tours. But he tours with Beyonce, his wife, and she isn’t a billionaire yet. There is a diverse portfolio of investments in his name; other people’s money making money for him which is the smartest way to be rich, according to an article on Forbes that was not a list but rather an interview with someone who knows what he is talking about. Could that be it? Could be. There is of course one thing we have not considered. The clue is right there under our noses. He has been leaving secret messages in his songs all these years, messages which would lead us to the source of his wealth. These messages are called “lyrics” and I quote, “I sold coke”. I’m not the one who said it...
