The idea that a woman needs to curtail or give up of herself to facilitate the career and/or preference of her male partner can be wrong on so many levels. The feelings of sadness, loss and absolute dissonance between a woman’s innate abilities and education, with who she becomes after “lessening” herself, can be hard on even the strongest amongst us. However, often times if this sacrifice is not made we find that marriages dissolve, children end up with an absent parent and what could have been a happy marriage ends up being a bondage of sadness. The age old question of whether parents should sacrifice and stay together “for the sake of the children” is one that will continue to lead to debates and name calling for the foreseeable future. We cannot solve that in this small space but there is more to that issue than meets the eye. As a self-proclaimed sort of part time feminist (I have only recently reached this point of defining my status) I am at the core against self-sacrifices on the part of women which feed into the patriarchy. The male privilege which often goes unchecked has been a solid pillar of our societies and with unemotional analysis one can see it’s benefits. With equally unemotional analysis, on the other side, the harm from male privilege can also be easily observed. But I digress. The truth about self-sacrifice is that one never knows if it will pan out. Will the giving up of oneself lead to mentally and emotionally healthier children? Will little Peter still end up a drunk in his adulthood? Will the husband honour and cherish his wife during both good and bad times because he knows, understands and appreciates the sacrifices of his beautiful wife to foster and bolster his climb to the top of his career? One never truly knows until it actually happens. No genie in a bottle can predict. How then do us as women make our decision as to whether or not to sacrifice our identity, our careers and our chance to be independently successful? Having been a trailing spouse for over 13 years I can conclude that there is no magic formula. The decision is one which is personal and has to be assessed on a case by case personal level. Because it did not work for Mary’s family does not automatically mean it will not work for Immaculee’s. My own journey as a trailing spouse has been one fraught with everything from anger to fury to joy, new discoveries and love. To leave a promising career to a life of being seen as only someone’s wife is not easy. I know many women who live with regret and anger for having done it and I also know some who believe their choice was more than worth it. What I do not know though is a woman who has made the sacrifice and who in her quiet moments has not struggled somewhat with the question of “what if I had not?” Those of us on the outside looking in should not use our own decision making models to judge, condemn or berate those women who want to live as they choose. A life following ones dream and passion is not perfect and the chase for happiness is flawed with potholes and speed bumps. But, so is a life of regret. Do I believe that myself and my family are better for my having taken the unlikely path of being a trailing spouse? For that I may need several double digit hours of time sitting on the couch of a qualified therapist. Would my children still be their amazing selves if I had stayed in Jamaica and not followed my husband across the globe for his career? I do not know. What I do know though, is that I have missed the awesome feeling of being completely me, that feeling of being introduced as myself, only as myself. Why is this article dedicated to this topic? It is, because as women, we need to start speaking up about how we feel about these issues. We need to stop publicly criticizing women who choose themselves and their careers over a marriage which will see their career falter. Make it ok for the woman who values being a wife and mother to be proud of it but also make it ok for the ones who do not to feel less selfish and odd. As women we cannot expect the patriarchy or “the system” to do the work for us. We must do it for ourselves and this begins with three steps: 1. Acknowledge our truths within ourselves; 2. Openly discuss our feelings in the sisterhood; 3. Judge not thy follow woman for her personal choice/desire. Twitter: @NatsCR The views expressed in this article are of the author.
