He was a gentleman, charming and passionate. The latter is what caught Lillian’s attention, and she fell hard for the man. One thing led to another, and eventually, they were in a solid relationship. He was sweet and caring, but underneath this appealing character, was a man who was yet to destroy her, as she later came to learn. Two years into the relationship, Lillian hardly recognised the woman she had become. His spiteful words were draining her energy. “I always felt unsure of who I was or what I was doing whenever I was around him. He had a mean spirit and would always say something mean to put me down. In his eyes, I was never attractive or smart enough. He told me I was weak and selfish and always compared me to other women,” she recalls. Lillian withered but she stayed because she loved him deeply and hoped that with effort, she would eventually win her boyfriend’s approval. Sadly, that never happened. Many times she thought of ending the relationship but couldn’t bring herself to do it because, in her words, she couldn’t imagine a life without him. They, however, eventually broke up when she learnt of his cheating habits. Society has been conditioned to believe that abuse is always physical, however, experts warn that emotional or psychological abuse is as traumatising as, or even worse than, physical abuse. Emotional abuse involves a number of aspects, for example someone putting you down with negative comments, explains Shadia Nansasi, a counsellor. “Your partner or husband could be cheating and when you find out, he won’t even apologise, instead, he’ll blame you for his actions, accusing you of not being attractive enough,” she says. The abuser will challenge your opinions, dispute anything you say, and when you try to do anything to make the person happy, they always find a reason to put you down, she says. Author Lindsay Dodgson notes that psychological abuse is insidious as it occurs over time like an IV (Intravenous therapy) drip of poison entering your veins. It starts with an off-hand comment here or an insult there, but often, victims brush these moments off. This is because abusive people are great at pretending to be everything you’re looking for in a partner, and they love bomb you with affection. Victims tend to believe this is the abuser’s real self, and when the mask starts to slip more and more, they believe it’s ‘out of character’ and it must be their own fault for making their partner angry, she writes. Why not just leave then? Nansasi says leaving abusive relationships is not as easy as people think because from the interactions she has had on several occasions, some victims, especially women, tend to hold onto the relationship because of their children, others stay for fear of what society will say and other times, they just stay because it is hard to escape the cycle of control. Some stay because they love their partners so much, others hope that things will change, they, in fact, make up excuses for their partner’s rude behaviour thinking that they don’t intend to hurt them, she says. “Sometimes the victims think that the partner’s behaviour is due to tough times, saying that my husband was stressed, or he is going through a hard time and may be it is the reason he acted that way. Sometimes they stay thinking that they will be able to mould their partners into the people they want,” the counsellor says. Counsellor Damien Mouzoun notes that mankind has come an absolutely long way, yet some people are more likely to commit suicide than check out of an abusive relationship. We must recognise that in some cultures, religions and countries, divorce is such a big taboo with unimaginable implications and if one first makes a wrong choice at the wedding, or reaches a difficult coexistence stage in a marriage, then it becomes such an indelible thing to live with for the rest of one’s life, Mouzoun explains. “Leaving a relationship may look so easy in the eye of an external observer without taking into account the implications in the potential separation from reputation, wealth, status, social, cultural or loved ones’ disregard and whatsoever,” he says. Dodgson on the other hand reasons that victims stay in these relationships despite of the stress on their bodies, because often, it isn’t clear to them what the problems really are. Through gas lighting (a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual) control and intermittent love, the abuser has their partner backed into a corner of self-blame and desperation of trying to win back the affection of the person they love, she writes. How damaging is it? The writer goes on to explain that a psychologically abusive relationship is a rollercoaster ride, with punishment and then intermittent reinforcement of kindness when you ‘behave’. This means the body is going through its own turmoil, with high levels of the stress hormone cortisol, paired with dopamine when given affection as a reward. Mouzoun complements Dogson’s account saying that such relationships cause the victims to nurture feelings of irrelevance. “We have seen across the world so many broken relationships where the feeling is no longer there and by result, couples have been living in emotional divorce, physical violence, mental torture and/ or tellingly petty union,” he explains. Nonetheless taking note of other forms of abuse, Nansasi explains that effects depend on the nature of abuse and that these have an impact on an individual’s life differently. When we look at physical abuse, some people have lost their lives; some get physical injuries, whereas for emotional or physiological, victims tend to have low self-esteem which at times causes depression, she says. “This state can make one feel like it is impossible to start afresh, others get problems of anxiety and this can lead to isolation where the victim doesn’t want to interact with others.” The counsellor also adds that abuse brings feelings of guilt where the victim thinks they are responsible for what is happening to them because in most cases abusers tend to justify their actions by blaming what they do on others. “Some end up abusing drugs as a way of coping, some suffer from multipurpose personal disorder.” How to move on and find healing Nansasi says one thing to note with emotional abuse is that it is not really easy to get over it, for it affects the victim so much to the extent that if they don’t seek professional help they might never get healed or move on. “One thing I should encourage is for victims not to blame themselves. I always advise my clients to know that their past has a secret super power, sometimes our past makes us stronger because there are situations that you go through and wonder how made it but somehow by the Grace of God and by your confidence you discover your strength.” She also advises victims to move on by using the limitless power of a positive mind. “You need to be positive about yourself, never mind about what others will say and most importantly, avoid the blame game. Learn how to forgive, it is not easy, but time heals us faster when we let go of our bad experiences.” Nansasi also advises victims not to suffer in silence but to always find someone they can confide in. Mouzoun on the other hand counsels that people in an abusive relationship must have the humility to seek effective and relevant counselling in order to improve, strengthen and build harmony. “One of the key natural remedies is to always have quality family time of communication to solve internal problems or differences because no relationship is free from challenges; not even the most perfectly appearing ones from the media.” YOUR VOICE How can victims of abuse find healing? It is important for victims to first resolve their past heartaches before they decide to enter a new relationship. This requires them to seek counselling for this is the only way they will get closure and pour out all they have gone through. Dating again when you are still hurting makes you prone to attracting people who will hurt you again. Jackie Umurerwa, Statistician I know it is hard but it is only when you stand up to your abusive partner that you get to stop them from abusing you. You can tell them to change and in case they are not willing to change, you should be willing and strong enough to let them go or move on from the relationship regardless of how much you had invested in that relationship. Anna Mulekatete, Student Victims should never try to seek revenge. This will only make matters worse or delay the possibility of healing. In fact, wanting revenge only puts you in position where the abuser gets ground to abuse you even more. Pie Kiombe, Reflexologist editorial@newtimes.co.rw
