Ten years ago, you thought you had found the man of your dreams. What do you do when he becomes the man of your nightmares? Relating to a man who loves you and is committed to you for life is difficult enough. Relating to a man whom you have divorced and who considers you enemy number one may be the most challenging thing you will ever do. While in our African setting couples normally do not officially divorce, the fact is that couples just “agree” to part ways or separate without necessarily seeking legal redress. Whether divorced or separated, you should expect tension. Most couples naively walk into marriage, but that doesn’t surprise me nearly as the couples who naively opt to divorce. Think about it: if the two of you couldn’t get along while you were married, what makes you think you will be able to get along now that you are divorced? But as a matter of fact nobody wins when two people keep fighting. Even worse, invariably the children are the biggest losers. In this situation you must learn to avoid triangles. Keep yourself out of the middle. First, avoid creating a triangle between your ex-husband and your kids. Second, avoid creating a triangle between your ex-husband and his new wife/ girlfriend. As challenging as this may be, you must avoid becoming the third party and creating an unhealthy triangle for your children. Most divorced women usually feel guilty about all their children are going through, so they may try to cover up the ex’s neglect and even cruelty, hoping to “soften” the blow. When you make excuses for you ex, your children will see through your weak explanations. The other triangle you must avoid is the one between your husband and his new wife or girlfriend. If you ever want a perfect set up for a cat fight, you can not beat this one. You and the new honey are immediate and natural competitors. Even though you and your ex-husband could not stay married, at least you probably share a common interest in the welfare of your children. That is more than you and the new honey will ever have, so play the odds and deal with your ex as much as possible. Your ex-husband (if he is a weak man) he may try to avoid confrontations by passing his battles with you onto his new girlfriend. You will know this if you receive a phone call that begins “Joe wanted me to tell you that next time he picks up the children, please have them ready on time.” Stop this conversation immediately. In a respectful but firm voice say, “Thank you, (name), for making this call. But if Joe has something to say to me, please tell him to call me directly.” You don’t have to act like a dear friend, but for your children’s sake you must be respectful and polite. And what if your ex-husband tries to come back to you? It is not easy to say No to a man if you still have feelings for them, but you must be cautious. If this man broke your heart by leaving you for a new girlfriend or wife, how sure are you he won’t do the same thing? Most cheating men will always cheat no matter what, and in fact such men prefer to go back to their first wives to boost their cheap pride at the wife’s expense. Such a man is a total user, a man any woman should try to avoid. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com
