“How was school today?’ is a frustrating question for both parents and kids,” notes Michael Thompson, Ph.D., author of The Pressured Child. “Parents never get the answer they want and often don’t understand how difficult this question really is. Without meaning to, parents are asking for a summary but kids do not summarise the way adults do. So most kids just say ‘fine’ or try to avoid the question entirely.” Fortunately, some simple strategies can get kids and parents talking and listening. “What was fun? What was the worst part of the day? Did your teacher explain that math homework?” However, communicating effectively about school goes deeper than just asking the right questions. It’s more than just finding out how their day was, such questions according to psychologists help children become problem solvers and independent learners. Good conversations help children to discover that their parents care about their lives and that as parents you are there to support them, and to help them develop strategies for solving problems themselves. Children often think adults ask too many questions. “And they are right,” adds Thompson, “we do. Adults are often just trying to start a conversation and do not understand that their questions make a child feel put on the spot. Be aware that a question from a big person like you can place demands on a small child, even though you do not mean it that way. School can be hard for children and that is why it is hard for them to talk about it. Every day at school, children get things wrong and make mistakes. That is how they learn. But generally, children do not want to come home and say, “I was frustrated by my mistakes but I learned from them.” They would rather come home and say, “I got everything right.” Their feelings about meeting the expectations of their teachers, parents and themselves can make school a challenging topic to discuss. So should parents stop asking questions? No! But you might ask fewer ones and try not to get crazy when your children do not respond the way you want them to. Remember that if your children do not want to talk, it is not a rejection of you. There is no one right way, one perfect question, or one right time to have these conversations with your children, but some suggestions below can help: Greet your child with an enthusiastic hello. Try saying “great to see you!” or “I missed you!” or simply, “I hope you had a good day,” instead of “How was school?” These statements communicate what you really feel without instantly putting your child on the spot with a question. As a result, your child is more likely to speak about her day. Allow your child not to talk right after school. Many children do not want to talk the minute they walk in the door. Most prefer to first have something to eat or drink, take a bath or just chill out. Avoid face-to-face interrogations. You might do better in situations where you are not face-to-face like in the car, when your child takes a bath, or when you are cooking. In this way, your child will not feel put on the spot. Let the talk emerge naturally. Discuss the day while you cook dinner, read together, or check homework. But try not to use dinner as a time to talk about problems like homework or tests. Everybody needs a break! Listen before you talk. Let your child, on her own, lead you into conversations. Sometimes your child will drop hints without your asking, like “We cleaned the school compound today!” or “Where’s the atlas? I need to find the map of East Africa.” These are perfect openings to talk together about school. Try communicating without words. Many children would prefer to reconnect with a hug, by playing a game, or rough housing. Some are more physical than verbal, so you might ask them to give you thumbs up or thumbs down about school, instead of describing it. If the problem is serious, discuss it with the school. Contact: ubernie@gmail.com
