Impressions: ‘The Lover’ Part 1

I have a colleague known as ‘The Hater’, if you flip two pages back you will encounter him venting out his stress factors and turn offs. I was also thinking about asking the editor to allow me some space for what I will call the ‘The Lover’ where I will be expressing my love for certain things and my turn-on’s too, but it looks like he won’t, so I will use my ‘Rambling Mind’ at least for 2 Sundays, to send my love to you who fall in the categories below. First of all, I love ye Brethren and Sisters who read this column every Sunday, even when there’s not much to read about. It doesn’t matter whether at the end, as you turn to the next page, you utter out something like ‘absolute nonsense’, you still partake on this love am here to dish out freely. There’s this particular brother in Iraq, who left home to go and mint some money as a guard, amidst flying missiles and bombs, at the end of the day he will visit the internet, read through this column and then find time to send a comment to the writer. But still thanks to you too who reads it in the comfort of your sitting room and then pass it to the houseboy, who unfortunately, instead of reading it, prefers to use it to light ‘Imbabura’. Secondly, I love with a passion these Ladies who send me good mail. I must say I don’t know how they get my email but somehow I believe in miracles. My love goes to you Oluchi Obiazkweli Abacha. I call you Nigerian Girl. You have consistently sent me emails asking me to allow you to transfer some funds (We are talking about Millions of dollars!) from your late Dad’s (General Sani Abacha) account to my account. In that event you will then relocate to my country of residence and we share the money or even we could talk about the possibility of marriage since you are equally beautiful as you say. Good stuff isn’t it? That’s an ideal Girl now and if such girls do exist in the real world, let me hear a Hallelujah. But if I was ‘The Hater’, I would say I hate you lousy Nigerian guys who think you will sit in one of those cafes in Abuja and think you can con the whole world by emails. It just can’t work, stick to pick pocketing and street conning and this is not a joke! (That’s how their emails begin: This is not a joke blah blah…). There is also the UK group sending me emails about a certain jackpot I won worth millions of pounds, which I should claim but first I have to give details about where I stay, what I do, age, sex…blah blah…Guys, even if I told you, you would get lost ‘in the jungles of Africa’ trying to find where I stay but if it is true, you really have a good idea. Lastly, the US group, call them perverts if you want. Thanks for the Teen Sex movies and the advantages of using Viagra you send to my email. The whole world knows how perverted you are. God Bless America! Ends