Humour: A search for lost relatives

When I disappeared to the Diaspora over ten years ago, I left behind several family members and friends. The one I have talked about many times is Aggrey. He used to be my roommate in Kiyovu of the poor during the mid 90s. We shared everything. As usual, our best nutrition was always packed in a bottle. Later, life became tough and I informed Aggrey that I had to go abroad in search for greener pastures. It was at that moment that I instantly become a Diaspoman. Aggrey didn’t subscribe to my idea and that is how he decided to toil alone during the harsh times. He was very patient as he continued to pursue studies upto the late 90s. Having successfully crushed his exams, Aggrey was among the top guys in town. He scooped lucrative jobs and he was able to save enough funds to buy himself a jeep and build a powerful mansion. As for me, I continued to live through the tough life of fellow Diaspomen abroad. I could not even raise funds for an air ticket to come back home. Aggrey was gracious enough to send me money via western union. I approached the bank to collect my western union funds from Africa with shame! The cashier in the bank eyed me in a manner that showed surprise all over her face. How could someone send funds from Africa to help somebody living in the developed world? The money was enough to buy a one-way ticket to Kigali. It has now been over 4 years since I came back. I have now free accommodation at Aggrey’s home. He has also sponsored me for studies at SFB for a 4 year course. He has also been a major supplier of frothy drinks which include Amstels and Bell beers. But now, Aggrey has decided to apply real sanctions which has left my throat in a very thirsty state. This is because he discovered that I have been dishonest on several occasions when I forged his signatures at some very expensive bars in town. My thirst has now led me into new strategies all together. You see, when I left for the Diaspora over a decade ago, I left some young relatives who were still in Primary and Secondary schools. As I speak now, these kids have since grown up and are chewing real salaries. They are earning hard cash and besides, they do not have any other responsibilities such as wives and children to look after. That is why these young nephews and nieces spend their time at the Union Trade Center spending like there is no tomorrow. Since Aggrey has slapped sanctions on my ailing throat, I have decided that I will now have to milk some cash out of these young graduates. Most of them cannot remember me because when I left over 10 years ago, these kids were just putting on dirty looking school uniforms. I have therefore worked out a plan on how to visit these young relatives of mine for cash. I have drawn up a timetable and this should hopefully result into cash that could buy me some booze to last a month or so. I am planning to visit them at their respective offices. I will be going to their offices equipped with very good lies. By the time they discover my trick, Aggrey would have lifted his booze sanctions. So, young nephews and nieces; watch out for your good old Diaspo Uncle… Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com