House sharing: The rules you must observe

Living with a housemate comes in many forms; there is the case of the ‘live-in landlord’- you are staying in this house alone, then you invite a new person over as a housemate, usually as a way to cut on the rent budget. Sometimes a ‘live-in landlord’ simply wants company from another human being as opposed to living alone. Usually this person asks their guest to contribute a small fraction of the rent. Then there are the standard housemates –two adults who come together and mutually agree to live together and share the bills. In the African context, there is a third –and probably more common type of housemate arrangement –this person comes to you to ‘house’ them because they can’t afford their own roof over their heads (yet), or because they just got evicted from their rented house. Other times, people just determine that the house in which they are staying is a ‘ghetto’ not befitting of their status, and before they can become rich enough to acquire a befitting house, head out to a friend with a better home. So, how easy is it to share a home with someone? It’s a question I’m not afraid to answer because all my adult life, I have practically lived with one or more housemates. Legendary reggae music icon Bob Marley famously said, “The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for.” Personally this has been my guardian mantra in all the years I’ve been in the housemate business. Everyone is going to hurt you, just like you are going to hurt someone else, however good, however decent, however considerate you are. And the textbook approach of rushing to all those How-to and self-help forums on the internet just won’t help. Like in a marriage or any other human relationship for that matter, housemates must quarrel, disagree, and even fight at some point. People who are frightened and put off at the prospect of fighting with a housemate are often those who think that ‘housemate’ is interchangeable with ‘friend’. But nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, good friends do not always make good housemates, and good roommates do not always make good friends. I know of people who have lived equally long periods of their adult life with a housemate, but who always look out for total strangers as opposed to friends or relatives. Such people believe that familiarity breeds contempt, and usually it is from past personal experiences. They probably have lived with a friend that they ended up hating. Living with a roommate could be fun if you realized that life is just too short and that a missing can of near used-up deodorant is not worth losing a friendship over. The clock won’t stop ticking and the world will not end just because of the awkward pile of unwashed utensils in the kitchen sink. Talk about money issues before anything else: Without a doubt, the biggest housemate fights are those caused by money or the lack of it. How do you share the bills? Do you split everything equally for rent and food and utilities? Save for extremely rare occasions, most housemates usually have varying incomes and purchasing power. The tendency is usually for the lesser earner to assume that their housemate must foot the bills simply because they have a better-paying job. This is taking people for granted and it’s simply wrong. Your housemate could be earning way more than you, with less financial obligations to boot, but they are not sweating their butt off to pay for your life. Be flexible: It’s the reason we are human beings and not arrows. There can’t possibly be a meaningful human relationship when bills have to be split with a mathematical rule. And the toilet mustn’t run out of tissue just because one person thinks it’s the other’s turn to replenish. One of the key don’ts of house-sharing is borrowing from your mate. If anything, trying to do this will cast you as broke before your housemate, and nobody wants to stay with a broke person especially with steady bills to pay. If you are borrowing and your friend has the money, good for you. But trying to borrow only to find that your mate is equally broke leaves a very bad after-taste in the mouth. To avoid shame and humiliation, tame your urge to borrow from a housemate to a bare minimum –take small amounts not sufficient enough to cause the next World War if you fail to pay back. Don’t try to change your housemate: You both met when you are adults so attempting to change who your housemate should not be an option because you can’t bend an old tree. If anything, why should it be you changing another human being and not the other way round? Set some minimum boundaries: Set some kind of minimum expectations –some kind of boundaries that have to be adhered to; for instance, there should be some kind of policy as regards food, cleaning responsibilities, the use of personal possessions. Ask yourself, for instance if your mate understands the importance of washing the dishes and taking out the trash. Who does the cooking? Would you rather each person does their own cooking, or do you cook for both? Are your culinary choices anywhere near compatible? How do you deal with a situation where the other person is allergic to milk, meat, oil, curry powder and perfume? Are you comfortable with sharing things like clothing, shoes and other such personal effects? Would you stand it if you returned home to find your housemate clad in your favorite pair of jeans? Talk about the small things: Sometimes it’s these small things that will ruin a house sharing arrangement even before the finances set it. And talking of small things, communication is one such. If something must be said, just go ahead and say it. Silent resentment just won’t solve anything, so don’t allow negative emotions to fester too long. Find out if your mate is into cigarettes and other recreational drugs like marijuana and determine if you can put up with this. Talking of smoking, there is no sight quite as ugly as that of a cigarette butt swimming about in the toilet bowl because someone decided to barbecue their lungs from in there. So don’t smoke from the toilet and even better, do not do it indoors. You don’t have to hang out together As housemates, there is no law that obligates you to hang out together every time. Hanging out is good and healthy, but a housemate should not necessarily be your best hang-out mate. Even lovers need some time away, goes an old saying. Finally, exchange vital contact information with each other. Let your mate know the first person to call in case of an emergency. Who should your roomie call in case you are sick, or even worse, dead? Housemates: To share or not to share? Ronald Chambade Some people have commented that I have a psychological problem because I literally prefer being alone. I have been renting since 2005 and I would rather not live with someone else because I just don’t like anyone else rearranging or moving my stuff around. I know where to find everything in my house and I would rather keep it that way because one way or another, living with someone makes them use stuff and fail to put them back where they were originally Ronald Chambade, Salesman ************************************************************ Diana Umwali I only got to share a house with someone after university when I was working in Musanze. She was great but obviously, as a young lady, I would go out on weekends and feel very uncomfortable coming back late. Before that, I had housemate when I was at university and there was no privacy at all. I used to hate the fact that if I had to deal with the fact that she may have friends over, who are very noisy, while on the other hand I wanted my peaceful sleep. If I had to choose between sharing and not, I would not share a house again. I love my space. Doreen Diana Umwali, Businesswoman ************************************************************ Gilbert Mwebaze I have had housemates for so many years. Of course like any other arrangement, there are small tendencies that irritate you when you and for me, the biggest was buying or paying for something and not being refunded yet it wasn’t my responsibility in the first place. Otherwise, I have no issues with sharing a house. Gilbert Mwebaze, Events Organiser ************************************************************ Kangwagye I am a people person so sharing a house is something that I have always done. I love being surrounded by people because I hate that feeling of being alone. That said, living with people is some sort of task because people come to you with habits that you may find shocking. I also hated the lack of cooperation in house matters and the rotten bathroom and kitchen habits and someone’s failure to pay their part of the bills on time. If I had to do it all over again, I don’t think that I would want to share a house again. Pamela Kangwagye, Student.

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House sharing: The rules you must observe