Mothers and children born of rape: the agonizing struggle for acceptance

21st century wars or new wars as they have come to be known are characterised by widespread rape of women and girls. Pre-meditated rape is used as a weapon of war to subjugate and humiliate a particular group of people. The 1994 Genocide against the Tutsi left more than 1 million people dead and indelible marks on the lives of women survivors who were systematically raped and intentionally infected with HIV/AIDS. The outreach programme on Rwanda Genocide and the United Nations estimates that hundreds of thousands of women were raped during the 1994 genocide against the Tutsis. Many women raped did not publicly disclose it because of the shame they felt, or for fear of being rejected or worse, being thought to have collaborated with perpetrators. Children born of rape committed during the genocide are often negatively associated with the perpetrators due to the patriarchal society and often times the shame goes to the women. Indeed outright rejection by family members and community at large is a hard reality that many women, especially those who decided to keep their children born of rape, faced in the aftermath of the genocide and even today continue to endure it. Their children are labeled “Children of the killers” and other labels communicating hatred towards them and are sometimes rejected in the communities they live in. Many women have never accepted what happened to them and as a result have kept the horrific experience secret. These women suffer psychologically and emotionally due to the trauma they experienced. While some have been able to come to terms with the horror, they have never been able to heal enough to reveal the truth to their children. 22 years after the 1994 genocide against Tutsis, I had the profound honor and privilege of meeting two women who were raped and intentionally infected with HIV/AIDS. I also met with one energetic young man and a very charming young lady who were both born of rape. They narrated their tales with great courage and passion all between tears and laughter. They are to me a testimony of what the human spirit can endure and the hope within us that can never be put out by the vicissitudes of life – not matter how grim. Angeline Uwase was conceived out of rape. (Faustin Niyigena) Uwimana Console (not her real name) is 47 years old and married with six children under her care. Her husband had two children from a previous marriage and one child from an extramarital affair. Together they have two children. Uwimana also has one child born of rape. Before they got married, her husband was aware that she had been raped during the genocide and that she had a son as a result. However, the experience of living with the child born of rape under the same roof was not as easy as anticipated and continues to be a daily struggle for them all. Bringing up Clement - her son born of rape – has not been a walk in the park. Clement is now 21 years old, an independent young man who has made it through tough times that many of his peers cannot start to imagine. “As a young boy growing up, my own husband and his brother used to call Clement a son of interahamwe - a killer.” Uwimana tells me as tears welling up in her eyes. “His siblings would act like their father and even beat him, throwing forks at him.” She continued. Clement was always crying as a young boy, he was rejected and no one loved him. “Outside our home, people used to talk. They would disrespect my husband saying that he says he hated killers yet he himself had a killer living under his own roof – referring to Clement.” Whenever he got drunk, Uwimana’s husband would always threaten her and Clement. He took the opportunity to express how he really felt about Clement as a child whose father was a genocide perpetrator. He verbally abused them to cause them emotional and psychological distress. All of Clement’s siblings went to better schools than his. Uwimana’s husband refused to pay school fees for Clement so she had to toil on her own to afford him an education. Unfortunately with her small tailoring business, she could not afford quality education for him similar to that enjoyed by his siblings. As Clement grew up and started pondering about his identity, he asked his mother questions about his father. Still ashamed because of the rape, Uwimana lied to her son for 20 long years. She told him that his father had been an RPF soldier who had unfortunately died in battle. It is only in 2015, after Uwimana attended group counseling sessions that she was able to tell the truth to her son. Clement was obviously disappointed when he learnt the truth. The image he had of his father as a brave soldier who had died in battle did not mean anything to him anymore. He was very sad and depressed. He started to recall all the horrible things his father and uncle used to tell him as a young boy and all the cruel treatment he would get from his father and siblings and was finally able to make the connection. He now knows who he is and why he was rejected. Knowing the truth about who he really is helped him to understand all the cruel things that had happened to him. “I accepted it because there is nothing I could do to change the past.” Clement said when I asked him how he felt after he found out the truth. He has certainly accepted who he is and is no longer bothered by the behavior of his father and siblings. “I am not happy about my father but I have decided to trust my mother more than anyone else.” He explained. Telling the truth started a journey for healing for Uwimana, little by little she has been able to reveal the entire truth of the horror she suffered during the genocide to her son. She has felt accepted by him and you can almost see it in her eyes that she no longer carries the burden of the rape. She is proud to have Clement as her son and has big dreams for him. Clement wants to study mining engineering. “It is a new field in Rwanda. That’s why I want to study it.” He said smiling. Meet Asoumpta Kampororo, 44 years old and married. She has three children; one from her husband’s previous marriage, one from her present marriage and another child born of rape. Like Uwimana Console, she is too is living with HIV as a result of the rape. Before she got married in 2014, she discussed the decision with her son Ntare - who is born of rape. He was 19 years old by then and her husband accepted her together with her son. Unlike Clement, Ntare is welcome in his family and suffers no rejection because of his identity. His siblings are young; 12 and 2 years old and do not know the truth about Ntare’s identity. They love him as a brother –one of their own. The perfect image that now is, was not always there. Assoumpta has suffered great shame, rejection and humiliation from her own family and the community in which she lived. First because of the rape and second for making the unpopular decision to keep the child she conceived through rape. For a long time after she was raped, she lived with the shame and could not accept what had happened to her. “To me, it was much easier to accept that I was HIV positive than to accept that I had been raped.” She said as she wiped the tears from her eyes. When she found out that she was pregnant, she simply ignored the pregnancy. She did not go out of her way to care for herself and her unborn baby. During the period of her pregnancy she was living with her brother and his wife in Kigali who tried everything they could to make her abort the baby. “I could not abort the child because I am a Christian. My brother and his wife would even physically abuse me because I had decided to keep the child. They always asked me why I wanted to keep the child of a killer.” She explained. In the aftermath of the genocide, there were many women like Assoumpta who struggled with the decision of nurturing a pregnancy resulting from rape. “My brother sent me to visit some women and girls who had the same problem I did. It was known that many of them had been raped and conceived as a result but had committed abortion. By sending me there he had hoped that I would see the women and change my mind. Instead I saw one woman who had aborted and she didn’t look very well, she scared me and I imagined that I would look like her if I aborted. Also when I was leaving , I met a man who asked me why I wanted to abort my child and kill myself after I had survived the worst phase of my life. His words made an impact on me and strengthened my resolve to keep the child.” She said. That evening when she returned to her brother’s home she was beaten badly by her brother and sister-in-law. It was obvious that she was no longer welcome. She decided to move to southern province and live with her sister. Honorine Umubyeyi, Founder and Legal Representative of Hope and Peace Foundation, an association that counsels victims of rape. (Faustin Niyigena) In the southern province things were not as easy as she had hoped they would be. She lived in a community of survivors who rejected her although she herself was a survivor. They could not understand why she would choose to give birth to a child of a genocide perpetrator - who was among the people who killed their husbands, wives, brothers, sisters and their children. They could not stand her and her child. When Ntare was born, he was to them a constant reminder of the horror they had survived. It was not just the people around her who did not accept Ntare. Asoumpta too was having trouble accepting the child as her own. Although she had decided to keep the child, she did not immediately connect to him. In fact, Ntare was without a name for a month because she could not find a name for him. “I would see the image of a killer whenever I looked at him.” She said. It was her other brother who gave her child the name Ntare after a friend who had helped him when he was in fighting as an RPF soldier. After sometime however, Asoumpta was able to accept the child. “Ntare was hated by almost everyone. Even before he was born he was rejected by those around him. I decided to show him love because of that. Sometimes I when I was breastfeeding him I would cry as I looked into his face and at that time he would wipe the tears from my eyes. He was so innocent.” She said. Asoumpta decided to shift yet again for the sake of Ntare. So that he could not face anymore rejection from the people around them. She moved to another province, got a job and started a whole new life on her own. In 2014, she started attending group psychosocial counseling which helped her to open up to her son about his identity. It was not easy for Ntare to accept the truth once it was revealed to him but time has a way to heal. 21 years old now, Ntare is a brave young man – just like his name suggests - who has let go of the past and is working hard to build a bright future for himself. He hopes that it will be a future that will not be defined by the past or his identity. Lastly, I would like you to meet a charming young lady who preferred anonymity. She has endured much but her sprit has pushed her to look beyond her past. Akin to many children born of rape, she too has faced rejection and humiliation because of her identity. Unlike Clement and Ntare, she does not have a strong bond with her mother. Her mother is among possibly thousands of women who have never been able to accept their children born of rape. Growing up, the young lady faced physical and emotional abuse from her mother. She found out about her identity from neighbours when she was only 12 years old. “Upon confronting my mother to confirm the news, she asked me what I would do about it. She asked me whether I too was going to be a killer like my dad. I never confronted her again.’’ She said with tears streaming down her cheeks. She cannot remember any loving words from her mother from her childhood but recalls all the love her siblings got from their mother and the presents from their fathers. The lady is now in university studying economics and business and plans to pursue further studies in finance and banking. To avoid confrontations with her mother, she moved out of their house and now lives with her aunt. She has not been able to forgive her mother for all the hurt that she has caused her. Although the mother has undergone some psycho-social counseling sessions, she is yet to come to terms with the horrors she faced during the 1994 genocide against the Tutsis. The reason she has remained disconnected to her child. She is ashamed of her identity. I asked her whether she would be willing to reveal her identity to the man she would one day fall in love with. “I can never reveal the truth about my identity. I do not think it is easy for people to accept me once they find out the truth. I can reveal the truth to a foreigner because I think it is easier for them to accept me but not to a Rwandan - I do not think it would be easy for a Rwandan to accept me.” She explained. The challenges faced by women who were raped during the 1994 genocide against the Tutsis and their children born of rape are enormous. Group psycho-social counseling has proved to be one way for them to cope with the issues they face on a daily basis. Many organizations however can only afford to support counseling sessions for women and not their children who are also in desperate need of it. In addition, these women need financial support to raise the children and afford their education as many are rejected even by close family members. Few organizations support women like Uwimana and Assoumpta. Survivors Fund (SURF) and Foundation Rwanda are funding AVEGA Agahozo, Kanyarwanda and Solace Ministries to provide psycho-social support to the mothers through a community counselling initiative and provide educational support to youth born of genocide rape. The youth are helped to attend vocational training and secondary school. These organizations are supporting over 500 youth born of rape and have helped 420 mothers to attend group counselling to help them cope with what happened to them. There are more youth and mothers who need support but due to financial constraints, they are not able to finance more students and mothers. Some of the students finish secondary and cannot continue to university. editorial@newtimes.co.rw

News

Mothers and children born of rape: the agonizing struggle for acceptance