Humour: Every penny counts

With the tough economic conditions looming, some of us have decided to change our life and drink styles. That is to say that whenever we visit a bar, we no longer toss money at rounds and rounds of booze for any Tom, Dick or Harry. Now it is strictly me and I alone! And to ensure that I am not being ripped off by the waitresses, I have adopted some habits that I learnt from a certain guy known as Mr. Maddox. This is a guy who used to frequent our drinking holes during those wacky mid 90s in the now demolished Kiyovu of the poor. Maddox was a notorious guy who cared for no one but himself. He always came in alone and headed straight for the counter. He would then order his favorite Amstel beer. When the barmaid opened the bottles for him, Maddox would insist on keeping the bottle tops. These bottle tops were important; he would keep them in his pocket for purposes of accountability. When the bill finally arrived, he would pull out those bottle tops and compare the quantity against the bill. If any variance in the numbers emerged, Maddox would raise hell. When his bottle tops didn’t match the bill, Maddox would cross over to the counter and demand to talk to the owner of the bar. “You guys are petty cheats! You think I never went to school? You think I never used the abacus?” At this point, the owner of the pub would try to console him by offering him another bottle of Amstel at a discount. Maddox would then sit back and relax with his pockets full of jingling bottle tops. All this could have been quite acceptable if he had kept this behavior to himself. But no! Sometimes, Maddox would come with visitors from afar. After several liters of booze, he would embark on his lousy behavior, leaving his guests quite astounded. One day, Maddox surprised us when he walked in escorted by three dashing ladies. He told us that one of the girls was his fiancée while the others were her close friends. They settled down and as usual but to the ladies’ surprise, Maddox kept all the bottle tops in his pocket. When the bill arrived, Maddox in his police like fashion proceeded to compare the bottle tops against the bill. Everything tallied. However, it was time to verify the quantity of the roasted meat. Unfortunately, the ladies had not kept count of the pieces of meat that they had chewed. Maddox became so furious. “How on earth could you eat meat without counting the pieces? How do you expect me to verify the bill? Now I may be forced to open your mouths and count all those pieces of meat that you have mercilessly swallowed!” At this point, Maddox’s future bride started to cry in shame. That was over 12 years ago! I do not know where Mr. Maddox lives today. But what I surely know is that I am going to adopt these remarkable strategies so that I do not lose my cash to hungry barmaids. You’ll hear the bottle tops rattling in my pockets! Contact: diaspoman@yahoo.com