It depends on what you have invested Raising a child is a complicated issue. You stumble, you get it right sometimes, but there are so many other times when you are going to make mistakes. Normally, when you have a partner, this journey is a little bit easier, you are not alone, there is someone to help you when you are embarking on this joyful but also sometimes difficult journey. That is the ideal world, but we all know so well that things are not always that clear cut. There are so many parents; women and also men, who are, as we speak, trying to raise children on their own. We have seen many of these children turn out great and some have gone on to be great role models in society. Actress Angelina Jolie, rapper Jay-Z, Mariah Carey among others, are some of the celebrities that were raised by one parent but have gone on to become household names in their respective professions. Even with this evidence, some people still insist that the absence of one parent eventually affects a child. Is this true? I don’t think so. Obviously, no child should have to live without the love and care of both parents, but I also think that it is not the end of the world. I don’t think having both parents who are dysfunctional helps anyone in any way. I think no one should look at a child being raised by one parent and feel sorry for them. We are lucky to live in Africa where most of us come from extended families. Sometimes, I imagine whoever said that it takes a village to raise a child said it from the African perspective. A child is never really necessarily alone, especially in Africa. There are uncles, aunties, grandparents and friends who are willing to offer free advice, direction, and mentorship in whatever way possible. Whether a parent is alive and just absent or deceased, how you raise your child as the present parent determines how they turn out. We have all seen families where both parents are present and yet these children have not turned out well. I know some people are going to bring psychology into this debate, but I honestly think that effort, energy, discipline and determination to raise a good kid are bigger in this than whether you are doing it alone or with someone else. Your love and dedication to a child and the ideals and confidence that you build in them as they grow determines who and what they become eventually. What psychology tells us is a different story because books have never raised anyone. nash.bishumba@gmail.com Two is better than one Let’s agree that regardless of other extreme circumstances such as violence, sexual molestation, bad behaviour, the inability to be a proper role model for a child and death, no child should have to be raised by a single parent, whether mother or father. Although in most cases, it’s single motherhood. However, we are talking about absence of one parent because I know men who have raised their children single handedly long after their spouse has passed away or decided that she had enough. But those are rare circumstances. So, does the absence of one parent affect a child? Yes, it does. And I believe the trend is not about to stop, rather, it will increase. I say this because, for some reason and with all the geniuses in the world, we have failed to come up with a structure for marriage that will fulfill each other’s needs for what most people nowadays call “Independence”. By the way, this is in no way connected to sex. So, divorce rates will grow while marriages will lose the forte they once held. While economic hardships are more likely to affect a single mother than a father, here, childhood poverty is the number one negative factor. However, more of these effects might consist of psychological effects. Although children with both parents are no exceptions, depression and behavioral disorders are high in single parenthood situations. But there are issues that are rarely talked about. I once had a friend who at some point thought he was the reason for his parents’ fights. He told me, “Every time they fought, somehow my name would be mentioned like ‘we have a child to pay fees for or we have a child to feed.’” Now his parents are looking after him as divorced parents, but this is one of the issues that children face that is often not addressed and affects them badly. To him, he thought he was the cause of their misery. He thought that perhaps if he wasn’t around, they would be happy going around their usual business, but because he is there and can’t fend for himself yet, he blamed himself. Secondly, to children, parents are parents when they are staying together because whether we can understand it or not, children worry about a parent they are not staying with. Has a child ever asked you to call the other parent because they want to talk to them, unconsciously this is what is going on. And this constant fear for the need to be protected and to also protect the parents affects the child because they developed a sense of insecurity. Another deep issue is whose side to take or believe when both parents are trying to sell their story. This is one of the growing dangers of single parenthood because what a child is told, it seldom leaves their brain. More often than not, such children tend not to show their feelings or develop a manipulative personality that might go on in their adulthood. Lastly, the biggest fear is getting worried about what will happen in terms of economic needs. A child’s main question here is, in the face of misfortune, would the other parent willingly step in to parent full-time? This actually happens even in divorced families because of the fear of losing the primary caretaker. On the other hand, I’m not saying we should force people to get married because forcing unhappy couples to get married is not the solution. Even, worse than single parenting is unhappy cohabitation. But with the way things are going, I think we should start understanding the kinds of messages and reassurances we give our children, in order to feel safe and loved as they grow up. However, in case anyone finds themselves in such a situation, your attitude, parenting techniques, support system and determination all go a long way toward minimising any effects a child might experience growing up in a single parent home. dean.karemera@newtimes.co.rw
