Give it up

Billy Rosa If we were to take a spur of the moment poll, chances are the majority of people would vote that being right is more important that being happy. In fact, most of us probably believe that being right is the same as being happy and we couldn’t be more wrong. Nowhere are the consequences of this need to be right more devastating than in our relationships. We are often willing to lose relationships altogether than admit the slightest fault or wrongdoing. How many times has a disagreement where you are unyielding about your thoughts and opinions led to distance between you and a loved one? It could be something as simple as a disagreement over a religious or political perspective or as serious as telling someone what they should wear, who they should marry, or how they should live their life. And the funny part is we often think we are completely justified in our opinions – because, after all, they’re ours, and we are always right. This is egoism at its finest. We become so identified with our thoughts that there is no separation between the real “us” and the thoughts we think. And, ultimately, we believe that if someone disagrees with us, confronts us with opposing views, or challenges our insights that we will be destroyed… that we will cease to exist. Have you ever caught yourself in the heat of an argument? Where you are more concerned with being right – with making your point – than actually relating to the other person? You stop listening altogether and fail to acknowledge that the other person is entitled to their own truths and views and perspectives. Truth is often relative and subjective (but we don’t like to admit this because it is an affront to our very egoic hold on life). And how do you rationalize the things that hurt others? Those words and statements that will cause pain for someone else but it doesn’t matter because you are right about whatever it is? Do you say things like: “I’m sorry but I have to say this.” “You may not like it, but here it is anyway.” “I’m a truth teller.” “It’s important you hear this from someone who cares about you.” “That’s the way I am and I don’t care who likes it.” “Just listen to me, I know.” But if we want actual happiness in the form of connection to other people and a sense of belonging among loved ones, we may have to give it up. What would you need to give up in order that your relationships reflect the happiness you say you want? Is it anger? Resentment? Jealousy? Insecurity? Arrogance? Self-involvement? The need for validation or recognition? Or is it just giving up the need to be right? Relationships flourish in environments of compassionate, sensitive, and truthful communication. But people often leave out the compassionate and sensitive parts in the quest of self-alienating truth and stubborn righteousness. Think about what it is that holds you back from forming satisfying and rewarding relationships… and give it up. Billy Rosa is a Registered Nurse, Integrative Nurse Coach Visiting Faculty, University of Rwanda

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Give it up